Mewtilation

Just popping out of the Squirrel cave briefly to waste space on YouTube's servers.

Last night, at exactly... last night... pm... I finished a rough version of what will be the first scene in Pokémutilation. I figure posting it won't really spoil anything, and seeing as the total number of people who will see the finished product is probably a number that rhymes with "hero", I don't see the point of keeping anything secret.

So without much more ado, here's the first scene, with some words stuck on the end to make it into essentially another trailer.

SOME SHIT YOU SHOULD KNOW BEFORE WATCHING:

- The voices sound subdued because the voices in the actual scene are subdued
- Possibly homosexual British scientists are hard to voice act... but he dies, so no biggie.
- Turn your speakers up. This bitch is mostly quiet. The rest of it will be louder.

All voices by my mouth... and some audio editing software.






- Squirrel245


"Kids, I need to tell you something you might find shocking... I'm gay."

"...Again?"

- Ms. Garrison and Stan Marsh

Pokémutilation

I'm a fan of parodies.

One of the many breeds of parody that I've been lolling at for a while now is fan-dubbing, two examples of which are Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series, and Alternate Reality Dragonball Z. It was only a matter of time before I started thinking to myself:

"Me too."

BUT FIRST... a backstory.

When I was 15, one of my friends threw a 2 night party. It involved several TVs, limited floorspace, a table covered in computers, and various Xboxes doing the horizontal mosh-pit with one another.

On the first night, as our supplies of energy were depleting like the functionality of the kidneys of a 134 year old, we started to think "Movie, then bed."

"Which movie though?" we thought. Through some bizarre voting (which I suspect was rigged somehow), it was decided that the movie we'd pass out while pretending to watch would be Pokémon: Mewtwo Strikes Back.

To this day I still don't understand why they wanted to watch that movie. Maybe it was for nostalgia, or the "act half your age" mentality that all of us had back then, but for whatever reason the movie was downloaded and began playing on the very small screen, much to my confusion.

Now being the uncaring asshole that I am, I gave a running commentary throughout the movie, changing it from a kid-friendly romp through Japanese mind control techniques to a profane, overtly sexual abomination that completely destroyed the overall effect of the film.

Billions years have passed, and I've decided to actually dub the fucking movie as opposed to simply ruin it for the people I'm sitting with. That way, people will be able to pick:

"Do we want the real movie or do we want... that version?"



And to prove that I'm not just doing my usual "You know what would be cool? If I did this." thing and abandoning it days later, I made a teaser trailer as it were.

It'll only make sense to fans of the Legend of Zelda series, or people who've played enough of Ocarina of Time. But for those of you who don't understand it... Go and play it.

NOW.

That game is a masterpiece of yes and win.







- Squirrel245



"That's my bread and butter you're fucking with."

- Charles Ofdensen

Thortgy

Maybe its the several packets of sherbert that now reside in my stomach talking, but I've found myself drawn to that old question that you humans have been trying to answer since... ever. The one that, if asked constantly, can reduce any teacher to tears or cause them to snap and start gouging out your eyes with a ruler:


So I'm going to list the 5 questions that I'm trying to find answers for the most. The ones just won't shut up, and keep grabbing my attention like a 6-breasted Keira Knightley would.


1. Why is the word "fuckin" becoming the new word for "umm"?

2. Why do some people put body kits on cars gradually? Don't they realize that by driving around their partially pimped-ride with only 1 side skirt, 2 modified rims, and sub woofers the size of a rhino's ass, they're grabbing people's attention in the "look at that douchebag" sense?

3. Why do so many people take pride in having 10,752,534,958 myspace/bebo/facebook friends? It doesn't make them look popular... it makes them look like... friend-whores or something O_O

4. Why doesn't anyone have death metal as the "hold" music for their company's phone services?

5. Why do people think going to a party with a bunch of people you don't know, getting completely shit-faced, then waking up to find yourself in jail (or fertilized), makes for an awesome night?



I'll work them out someday, I'm sure.

If you haven't already hit the "back" button in your internet-look-at-window, here's a change of topic for you.

Recently one of my friends has taken an interest in that newfangled "Vlogging" thing. If you can't work out what vlogging is:

Vlogging = Video Blogging
You = Idiot

The concept of it is something that's intrigued me for several minutes. Don't worry, you don't have to call the national guard, I'm not going to start doing it, and here's why:

• The webcam that's buried away in some part of my house is of dubious quality at best
• It would be a waste of my voice
• Looking at my face has a similar effect to that Medusa chick from that ancient Greek legend. Although instead of turning to stone, you'll just spill your guts all over your keyboard, which will in turn electrocute and kill you, start a housefire that quickly becomes uncontrollable, setting neighbouring buildings on fire, spreading and spreading until "Global Warming" becomes the understatement of the decade.

But I did start thinking... What OTHER kinds of _log are there?

Plogging didn't sound to great, and Clogging sounded like something that would involve a lot of very cheesy pizza and several mind-bogglingly painful trips to the toilet, so that was out too.

Then it hit me. Twice.

FLOGGING

No, that doesn't involve me going into the street and beating the living shite out of people with a stick (I do that anyway), but instead:

Flogging = Flash Blogging


Now there's no way in hell that I'd Flog constantly. But the occasional sample of my nonsensical bullshit wrapped in a slightly more high-tech flashy coating would be an interesting thing to try, I'm sure.

Should I try it occasionally?


TELL MEH YER THOUGHTS!!!
And MAKE ME BROWNIES!!!



- Squirrel245



"Just a fucking joke,
No, its kinda not,
There's a little truth in
Every single shot."

- "Hatredy" by Dethklok

"What, what, WHAAAAT?!"

So last night... or... very very early this morning if you want to be all technical about it... I was busy interneting ('cause that's what all the cool kids do) when I saw a flash ad. I've never seen it since, and I never want to see it again, but for those of you who don't have spy cameras embedded in my eyes I'll repeat what was on it.

It was something along the lines of:

"All of your favourite movie characters...

Are about to be DESTROYED!

DISASTER MOVIE: Defiling cinemas on some date that Squirrel245 can't remember"



Seconds after my eyes were scarred with this disturbing forecast of things to come, I imitated this:

Various thoughts and questions started running through my mind like a jet powered elephant in heat.

Why does this movie exist?

Where do those retards keep getting money to pump this kinda shit out into cinemas?

Why do they think anyone WATCHES "movie" movies after seeing the abominations that they released after Scary Movie 4?!


I thought I'd already LOST all of my faith in mankind. But nope, I was wrong. There was something still in there it seems.

But as soon as I saw that ad, that last morsel of faith jumped out of me and ran off into the distance shouting back "This is revolution!!!".

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stuff cherry bombs into watermelons then catapult them at stuff.

Because that's how I'm choosing to express my hatred for this movie.



- Squirrel245



"Daddy, everyone at school keeps teasing me about being born prematurely."

"You weren't born prematurely, son. You just survived the abortion."

- Cyanide and Happiness

...Really?

Earlier tonight I was in a rather nostalgic mood for some odd reason, and decided to see if I could YouTube some of the shit that I watched back in the good old days when I was 3 and half feet tall and about six times more intelligent.

So I started thinking (ouch) about what to watch. I watched a couple of videos of Stickin' Around, some old old OLD Simpsons, and watched Vegeta turn Super Saiyan once or twice. Then I moved onto movies, watching various Disney clips and such (including, out of curiosity, some very strange anti-nazi propaganda films that Disney made during World War II).

Then I remembered a strange film that I'd seen long ago:

"Hey... what was that movie where like, all those mice moved to America to get away from cats but there were cats in America anyway? Hmm... And what the fuck was so special about that movie anywa-"

I eventually figured out the movie I was thinking of was An American Tale, and the reason why it had been stuck in the back of my mind in a box labelled "old shit worth keeping". It was because of a climactic scene involving what was essentially a mouse-made battle tank that resembled a rat which had grown up in the part of the sewer directly under the house of Satan.

For the 99.9999999999999% of you who have no idea what I'm rambling about, I'm referring to the Giant Mouse of Minsk. I remember (incredibly vaguely), the first time I watched that scene I thought something along the lines of:

"HOLY JESUS-GODDING FUCK BALLS YES!!!! BRING FORTH THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS YOUR DEATH!!!"

So I watched the pitiful snippet of that scene that YouTube had to offer, then read the comments section to see if anyone else remembered having a similar reaction. I was surprised to see that they basically said things along the lines of:

"That thing scared me shitless when I was a kid =("

After a brief search of the internet for a better clip of what I thought was an awesome scene, I found lots of comments made by people who also said that the Mouse of Minsk gave them nightmares when they were kidlets. It was then I started to think the question I'm about to put forth to anybody who reads this and can remember watching An American Tale as a kid:

Am I the only one who found the Mouse of Minsk purely awesome and not in the least bit scary when they saw this movie?



- Squirrel245



"What HAPPENED to you guys? Have you all forgotten how to play?"

"Hey man, we're rockin' harder than EVER!"

"Dude... You're sitting on the OUTSIDE of the drum kit."

"Oh!.. yeah, yep. Sorry. That's why it felt weird."

- Pickles the Drummer and the Snakes N Barrels Drummer

Not even drunk

I am, right now, this second, that I'm typing this, today, here, at this moment, in a very strange mood.

I don't actually have anything to blog about, but the mood has compelled me to put something up here anyway. And that something is as follows:

I am going to type out the lyrics to "Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle" by Dethklok. Twice.

The first one is by hand, no problem at all, just so you have a reference.

The second time though, I am going to type it out using the headstock of a guitar. I won't even attempt to use proper punctuation (that would be too much of a mindfuck), and I won't hit backspace either.

And here's the guitar I'm gonna use:



Now LET'S GET THIS SHIT ON!!!!



Hand:

Do you folks like coffee?
Real coffee, from the hills of Columbia?

Then Duncan Hills will wake you
From a thousand deaths
A cup of blackened blood
(Die! Die!)
You're dying for a cup.

Guatemalan Blend
Ethiopian
French Vanilla Roast
(Die! Die!)
You're dying for a cup.

Prepare for ultimate flavour...
You're gonna get some... NOW.
And scream, for your cream.

Duncan, Hills,
Duncan, Hills,
Duncan, Hills,
COFFEE!



Guitar (wish me luck):

do yoou folks like coffee
real coffee, from tthe hills ofr columbiaa
then duncan hillls will wke yo0uu
from a thyousaqand de3eaqthys
a ccup of blackenede blood
die die youre dying for a cup

guatemalan bl43end
ethiopian
frrencfh vanillqa roaqwst6
die die youre3 dying for aa cup

prepare for uulo5ti9mqate flavour
youre gonna get some now
ande scre3qam for your cream

duncaqqn hillws

dunhcaqn hills
edunjcqanj hills
cofffee




SWEET... MOTHER OF... ALL THAT IS AWESOME that was harder than I thought it would be.

But I did it regardless! VICTORY FOR ME!... sort of.

Oh and umm... saw this today too:


So uh... HAIL SATAN I guess.



- Squirrel245



"I don't play World of Warcraft"

"...Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time."

"Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure."

- Butters Stotch and Eric Cartman

noitulovE

Back when I was about 15 years old, I first heard that song "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls. I remember thinking to myself:

"Wow. This song sure is slutty." And my opinion never changed. No matter how many times I heard it, no matter how many times I started throwing things at the people who started playing it, I always thought that same thought.

3 years on, and I start seeing ads for someone who's released a song called "I Kissed A Girl (And I Liked It)". Again:

"Wow. This song sure is slutty. HOLY CRAP DE JA VU!"

After I finished running around waving my arms like that chick from Popeye in an earthquake (hey.. that's just how I react to De ja vu.), I realised that there was a trend here. And now I am 99% sure that as time goes by, songs get sluttier and sluttier. I wrote an equation for it too:

(.Y.) = T(C + 69)

(.Y.) = Boobs, here representing sluttiness
T = Time (in years) since the last widely acknowledged overly slutty song was released.
C = "Competitor's" sluttiness


After I punched myself for being such a nerd, I realized that slutty songs were just the tip of the ice...boob. I came to the conclusion that society as a whole was becoming gradually more and more sex-driven.

Now make no mistake, the idea of a society that's based on constant sexercising is not something I object to. Hell, I pray for the day! (although by the time society reaches that stage, I'll most likely be middle aged and impossibly lazy, or dead.)

But doesn't it seem like we're kind of... going backwards?

There's other signs too: people are becoming stupider, quite a few of them seem to be losing their ability to speak properly, Paris Hilton... you don't have to look far to see the evidence.

On the other, much more plausible hand, I'm an idiot.

But spare a moment to think about my rantings after you hear "My Vagina Is Too Empty (Please Help Me Fix This)" being played on the radio for the first time.



- Squirrel245



"There is nothing to fear but fear itself... AND VEGETA!"

- Vegeta (Alternate Reality Dragonball Z)