NOTE: If you've come here for an actual, sensible review of Saints Row 2, click the "back" button IMMEDIATELY. This isn't even a review. In fact, the only reason the word "review" is in the title of this blog is because Squirrel245 couldn't think of any other way to describe it. It's more of a "Look at this. LOLOLOLOL." type of thing.
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So I've been playing Saints Row 2 quite a lot lately, which has been the source of much amusement. Because of it's unique ability to entertain me for more than 28 consecutive minutes, I decided to take a break from my normal thing (kudos to anyone who knows what my normal thing is, cos I sure as hell don't), and write an alcohol fueled block of text about it.
Brace yourselves, I don't know where this is going.
For those of you who haven't played this game, I'll give a not-so-quick and questionably factual summary of what Saints Row 2 is about.
The game starts up in the medical ward of an offshore prison. As the camera sweeps through the place, you are shown your character. In their current state, your character is a comatose vegetable who's been dressed up like an Egyptian mummy; apparently prior to being put into prison, your character was unfortunate (or stupid) enough to get on board an exploding boat. I never played the story part of the original Saints Row, so I wouldn't know.
You know how you sometimes hear in books, movies, or the news, about people who have been burned in horrible explosions and are rendered unrecognizable? Saints Row 2 takes that to a whole new level.
The camera zooms in on the bundle of bandages that is your head, while a nurse starts to remove them. The bitch must have spent 30-ish years getting those bandages off, because while she's doing that, you're taken to a menu in which you can change many, many things about your character. These include the colour and style of your hair, your ethnicity, and if you have tits or a penis.
After this quick self-reconstruction, a wounded teen named Carlos is placed in the next bed over, claiming to have let himself get stabbed in order to speak to you, the famous leader of the now non-existent 3rd Street Saints gang. His mouth moves for a while and words come out of it, then your character decides:
"THIS PLACE SUCKS! I'm leaving."
At this point you make a stealthy and cunning escape by heading straight to the exit while brutally murdering everything that moves with your bare fists. Carlos follows you, but wisely keeps out of your "complete and utter destruction" space. You both nick a boat and head for the mainland, bringing down a couple of police helicopters, traffic reporters, and pigeons in the process.
When you get out of your boat, your character notices that Carlos is speaking again, and this time he listens. Carlos tells you that after you got on the bomb-cruise and were blown halfway to hell, 3 different gangs spontaneously appeared. This causes the other members of your gang to either become arrested or turn into pussies and disassociate themselves from your purple-clad posse.
Your mission becomes obvious: Commit random acts of violence against these three gangs, kill then piss on their leaders, and go round to any suburbs they've taken over and tell them
"NO YOU CAN'T HAS!" until the city is once again yours.
So that's the storyline in a nutshell, but what about the actual game?
EYE FOOD a.k.a. GRAPHICSThe graphics in this game are amazing. The citizens of Stillwater all have four fingers and two thumbs, cars and trucks look like cars and trucks, the sun blinds you if you're stupid enough to look directly at it, and a satisfyingly excessive amount of blood spurts semi-realistically from people who get in the way of your bullets. There's also an ocean, possibly made out of jelly that hasn't quite set yet.
There's also options in the game to get drunk or high, which affect how your character perceives the world. The amount of change in the way you see things depends on how much of a piss head your character is, but each change makes driving high speed vehicles twice as challenging, twice as hilarious, and also twice as fatal... for everyone who isn't you.
Last but not least, did someone say BRIGHTNESS AND GAMMA CONTROL OPTION?
PEOPLE AROUND YOU a.k.a. ARTIFICIAL INSEMINA - I mean INTELLIGENCEThe people of Stillwater wander around the city like zombies, often carrying newspapers or mobile phones. They will pull you out of your car in a feeble attempt to kill you, should you look at them funny. Fifty percent of the time, they will be walking on the sidewalk. The rest of the time they will be stumbling blindly into the road, eyes glued to a phone or a particularly attractive light pole on the other side of the road, and will expect any road users to wait for them.
Should you drive too fast near one, whether they are in the middle of the road, or on the sidewalk, they will scream and throw themselves into the path of the oncoming vehicle. The ones who have been allowed to drive do so with minimal regard for the road rules, and sometimes abandon the road entirely, speeding away across a park or through a building until they die upon hitting something thicker than they are.
It's for the above reasons that I award Saints Row 2 the "Most Realistic Simulation of Average Human Intelligence" award.
The other members of your gang are just as fascinating, thanks to their more aggressive disposition. Often you will see one of them going for a stroll, minding their own business, when suddenly a random citizen will assault them, completely unprovoked. As the confused gang member recovers from the first blow and gets to his feet, he raises his head to see that several cars have run off the road, his companions have emerged from within them, and are currently beating the shit out of the assailant with bats, knives, crowbars, or AK-47's.
If
you find yourself on the receiving end of this kind of random abuse from people, your gang members will immediately (and violently) come to your aid, then enthusiastically run over the crippled body of your attacker for their own amusement.
HOW TO MAKE SHIT HAPPEN a.k.a. GAMEPLAYAside from a few basics (this control stick makes you run, the other control stick changes the camera angle, this trigger makes you hurt people etc.), it seems that most of the games controls were drawn out of a hat when it came to assigning them a button. It doesn't take long for the control scheme to start to feel semi-natural, but during that time it feels like you've just been asked to ride a tyrannosaurus down a busy highway during an earthquake and a hurricane.
"WTF HOW?!"After a few minutes of playing Saints Row 2, you will come to the conclusion that your character is either an undercover alien from the planet Superior, or the Hulk's less gifted cousin. Right from the word go, you can pick up things like fire hydrants and street signs, then hurl them at people with the force of a small bullet train. Your character also takes the phrase "time heals all wounds" very seriously.
"Oh shit! Someone get help! Our gang leader has suffered bullet wounds in his everywhere!"
"Just gimme 20 seconds, I'll be fine."
There is also a substantial amount of weird shit you can do that actually has benefits. Jump on a car roof as it's driving away, and the game will let you launch a mini-game which gives you "respect" if you can stay on while the terrified human at the wheel tries to throw you off. Should you feel the urge to throw someone off a bridge, the game will laugh and award you points depending on how far the helpless fucker falls. Point a gun at someone for a few seconds, and they'll shit themselves and drop their wallets. Unless they're a cop... Cops have no sense of humour in this game.
The missions you do and the cutscenes that are stuck in between them make you wonder
"What the FUCK were these people smoking?", and make you want to continue playing, if only to see what else became of their drug fuelled game creating... spree.
IN-KEN-CLUE-SHINIf you are a lazy, deadbeat parent who dreams of their child someday getting into that most exclusive of educational facilities known as jail, this is the game for you to use as a substitute for actual parenting. It will teach your little mistake many vital life lessons, such as:
- Throwing yourself into traffic in the pursuit of committing insurance fraud will, in reality, leave you no worse for wear.
- If one of your friends should become incapacitated in some way, they will jump right back up if you give them some booze.
- The police will only notice you're acting inappropriately after you've killed three people.
- If you can get into the driver's seat of any type of vehicle, you are legally permitted to operate it.
- Be careful when driving at high speeds on highways; cars may materialize within metres of you at any given moment.
To everyone else, Saints Row 2 is both an amusing game and an easy way to confuse yourself, alone or with friends.
Graphics: 7/10 Badgers.
Sound: 9/10 Lols.
AI: 27/100 IQ points.
Realism: 8/8 points of realism avoided successfully.
Gameplay: 9/10 WTFs.
The Ronin: Suck.
Overall: ROFLCAEKS.
_______________________________________________________And with that, I'm off. This room is too bright for 12:25am.
- Squirrel245
"He's not, the only one, who can sing, from his heart,
I have feelings inside, and - aww, FUCK THIS SHIT."
- Spanky Ham
