Signs of Life

Check it.

I have actual proof that I'm not just sitting around eating fast food all day.

...Huh. It seems you've alarmed him.

Before I return to making him move and kill stuff, there's some things I'd like to say about the people who only just have enough brain power to walk around a shopping centre:

1. To what seems like 90% of teenage girls:

Here's how walking near you works. You generally have a quick pace, and never yield to anybody, so I and the other fast-walking people see you as a sort of "path finder" when we're heading the same way as you, and get into your "slipstream" as it were.

So when you see a group of friends up ahead of you, try something called deceleration. DON'T KEEP ON AT THE SAME PACE THEN STOP DEAD IN YOUR TRACKS AND LATCH ONTO ONE OF THEM.

2. To what seems like 90% of teenage guys (so don't bitch to me about gender-based discrimination, ladies.):

I'm not sure if you're all just very confused about who's leading the group, and are all trying to hang back to see who's in the lead, or if you feel more secure when you look to your side and see several other people going along with you. I honestly don't care what it is.

STOP CREATING HUMAN WALLS YOU TOOLS. I'm tempted to drive a car into these lines of idiocy whenever I come across them.

3. To people who have mobile phones out while walking:

If you're the kind of person who talks on the phone while walking, and doesn't stumble around in a circle, eyes to the floor, feigning obliviousness, you don't annoy me. If you are someone who does the stumble around thing, grow a brain.

If you're the kind of person who text messages people while walking, or just pretends to for an excuse to walk blindly in a straight line and hope people realize "Oh, they're using their phone. They have to concentrate I guess.", GO AND GET ANALLY DESTROYED BY A HERD OF RABID ANTELOPES.

THAT ARE ON FIRE.

One of these days, I'm going to grab one of these obnoxious failures of humanity and put them in the fetal position. Only it will be backwards. Yep. Knees up, elbows bent, curled up into a ball-ish shape, BEHIND YOUR BACK.

4. To the lady who today asked me if I'd like to get my baby's photo taken:

There are so many things wrong with that offer I don't even know where to start.

5. To people who walk determinedly in one direction then, without warning (or even stopping), do a full 180 spin and keep right on walking:

I now wear a vest that fire a series of small metal spikes outward if I'm hit in the chest with enough force. You have been warned.

And now it's 12:40am. I have school in 8 hours...

Screw you guys, I'ma going t'sleep.

- Squirrel245

"You're gonna just let that guy beat up on your woman? Doesn't that like... go against your jockey man-code or something?"

- Hair Flicking Goth Kid

Leisure-cide. BHYER!

As you've probably guessed by now, I'm currently at college. It's not the type of college the rest of the world would associate the word with, but rather the last 2 years of high school, separated from the other years, possibly so we don't kill the younger students.

I'm in a Media class, and for this final semester we were told to create something film related. Anything at all, so long as the teacher approves and no-one important dies in the process of making it.

The teacher had often noticed me making indescribable oddities in Flash instead of working, so she said I could do mine as a flash cartoon if I wanted to.

"Well I'll be a partially decaying corpse fired out of a T-17 straight at a day care centre. That's a great idea!" I said* straightaway.

I know how to make shit move in flash, make no mistake. But what I told my teacher to expect as a final result was a little over-ambitious, now that I think about it.

I'll put it in human-talk for y'all:

Each frame will have a moderate amount of detail in it, and most of them will be different (this thing will be presented at a mini-film festival, so I can't just copy the frames to fill up time). The cartoon itself plays at 24 frames per second, about the standard you'd see on most TV shows (I think).

I'm aiming to make it run for at least 5 minutes.

5 minutes = 5 x 60 seconds = 300 seconds

24 frames per second x 300 seconds = 7200 frames.

It's due in about 6 weeks time.

That
+
the laziness that envelopes my very being
=

This bitch is going to eat up all of my time. Kill what's left of my social life. Wake me up at strange hours of the night and fill me with worry.
I can't ignore her either; the consequences of that would be dire.

AMIRITE FELLAS? *high five*

Seriously though, I won't be posting again on here until I've finished it off. Don't be depressed; this is a time for healing. The 3 or so people who read this will have one less thing to throw up about for a little while.

Look to my coming, on the first light of the fifty-fifth day. At dawn, look to the east.

Then think to yourself "why the fuck am I up at this hour?"

And now I charge away into the night, hoping the lack of sunlight won't make me run into a tree or off a cliff.


FOR GONDOR!

FOR INDY!

AND THE SEVENTEEN CASES OF BEER THAT AWAIT ME AT THE END!!!



- Squirrel245



"Some wars must be fought alone."

- "Supremacy of Self" by Hatebreed

Delusions of Eccentricity

Prologogogue

I recently read one of - no, don't panic just because I read something just - no, don't call the cops, my Satan Cannon is fully operational, and I'm not afraid to use it on them.

Anywho, I recently read one of the far superior blogs that are brought forth by my friend Chris. Click that link repeatedly, as the stuff he writes is a lot more intellimectually stumipulating than the purile shit you're reading now.

The post in question talked about how some people on the internet put up lists of who their friends are, and a series of descriptions that all seem to go along the lines of "I love this person to death. And if they were cool with it... afterwards too."

The point of it was (I think) that people should stop writing that kind of crap about their friends, because only the friends will think "aww... isn't that sickening.", and that everyone else who sees these lists just thinks "I don't know these people are... and I don't care either."

I nodded at my screen in agreement, then similar thoughts occured to me about how many people on the internet think that the stuff they post makes them unique somehow.

Before I start this rant, let me assure you, and your elbows, that I'm aware of the fact that this blog and everything on it isn't unique either.

Bitching about stuff has been around since forever, terrible attempts at drawing have been around since caveman times at least, and randomness has been around since some higher power decided to invent the horse. There's nothing here that hasn't been done a million times before, and done a lot better than this crap too.

Now that that's out of the way... Begin the ranting!


Pointless Heading

These sort of things are usually found on social networking sites, or anything else with a "profile" section on it somewhere. Anywhere that people have an opportunity to describe themselves really.

Back when I was roped into using that abominable pit of lies that is Bebo, I saw this kind of thing a lot. Here's some of the more common attempts at proving uniqueness that I noticed, which I will now pick to pieces.


"blah blah blah I'm crazy blah blah blah..."

Crazy huh?
So... you run around screaming occasionally?
Get completely shitfaced and sing at the top of your lungs til the contents of your stomach come flying out of your mouth like a mini tsunami?
Set things on fire?

Wow, you're right, you're a pretty crazy perso - NO. SHUT UP.
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. YOU ARE HUMAN.

Let me tell you something.

Crazy is one of the poor words who are victims of overuse, often in inappropriate situations. It sits in a hospital ward somewhere crying to itself, and regularly attends a support group with Fuck, Hate, and Love. It gives its sympathies to Shit, LOL, Cunt, and Epic, who were recently admitted to the hospital under similar circumstances.

In the same way that Hate is now used to express mild dislike, Crazy is more often than not used to describe the actions of people who are merely hyper, instead of the actions of people under the impression that having sex with a coffee grinder is a sane thing to do.

Everyone gets hyper sometimes. This doesn't mean you're crazy.


"blah blah blah I don't care what anyone else thinks of me blah blah blah..."

Bullshit you don't.

What you're actually trying to convey is closer to "I don't care if you don't like me and launch a barrage of verbal abuse at me because of this", because I'm pretty sure you'll lap up any compliments like a dehydrated dog who's found a giant bowl of water.

So who else ignores insults and accepts compliments? Thats right, people with brains.
I think there's still a few thousand of them left on this planet - OHHHH wait... you were trying to be unique weren't you?

Sorry to burst your bubble.


"blah blah blah be yourself/being myself blah blah blah..."

This is usually found pinned to the bottom of a teenage girl's bebo/facebook/myspace profile in a weak attempt to show that the person is in fact an individual, instead of a clone. It tries to combat the overwhelmingly familiar contents of the rest of the profile page, which can be seen in an additional 12 or more different colour schemes if you check the "friends list".

It's like going to a bar, drinking til you can't see past your nose, then stubbornly claiming you're against the consumption of alcohol.

It's fun to laugh at these people.



Here's something for you to think about:

If the people I've mentioned above are what mainstream society is composed of, and "mainstream" basically means "the majority", what does that say about people in general?



- Squirrel245


"Lets go get some hookers and ICE C-C-CREAM!!!"

- Dr. Rockso the Rock 'n' Roll Clown

That's like, revolting.

Alright, I'm blogging from school, so I'm sure if this will work or not, but I had to blog before my disgust wore off.

At recess today, I went to Woolies to buy a drink. As I was heading for the checkouts I passed the section with the magazines in them. I picked up a Top Gear magazine, then my eyes drifted to the overly pink and gay looking magazine beside it: Girlfriend.

I'd like to share with you all some of the headings that were on the front cover. You have my word that they have not been changed at all. These are the headings exactly as I saw them:

"How to get the guy that will get you the grades"

"How to sound, like, smart"

"New flirting tips!"

"Miley: The $25 million girl"

For shame.

FOR. SHAME.

I can't remember any more of these gut-wrenching article names, and I'm honestly grateful for that. If it was possible to vomit out of your eyes, Woolies would have had one hell of a clean-up job to do.

- Squirrel245

"Sucky sucky, ten dorrah!"

- Cartman the Vietnamese Prostitute

Mewtilation

Just popping out of the Squirrel cave briefly to waste space on YouTube's servers.

Last night, at exactly... last night... pm... I finished a rough version of what will be the first scene in Pokémutilation. I figure posting it won't really spoil anything, and seeing as the total number of people who will see the finished product is probably a number that rhymes with "hero", I don't see the point of keeping anything secret.

So without much more ado, here's the first scene, with some words stuck on the end to make it into essentially another trailer.

SOME SHIT YOU SHOULD KNOW BEFORE WATCHING:

- The voices sound subdued because the voices in the actual scene are subdued
- Possibly homosexual British scientists are hard to voice act... but he dies, so no biggie.
- Turn your speakers up. This bitch is mostly quiet. The rest of it will be louder.

All voices by my mouth... and some audio editing software.






- Squirrel245


"Kids, I need to tell you something you might find shocking... I'm gay."

"...Again?"

- Ms. Garrison and Stan Marsh

Pokémutilation

I'm a fan of parodies.

One of the many breeds of parody that I've been lolling at for a while now is fan-dubbing, two examples of which are Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series, and Alternate Reality Dragonball Z. It was only a matter of time before I started thinking to myself:

"Me too."

BUT FIRST... a backstory.

When I was 15, one of my friends threw a 2 night party. It involved several TVs, limited floorspace, a table covered in computers, and various Xboxes doing the horizontal mosh-pit with one another.

On the first night, as our supplies of energy were depleting like the functionality of the kidneys of a 134 year old, we started to think "Movie, then bed."

"Which movie though?" we thought. Through some bizarre voting (which I suspect was rigged somehow), it was decided that the movie we'd pass out while pretending to watch would be Pokémon: Mewtwo Strikes Back.

To this day I still don't understand why they wanted to watch that movie. Maybe it was for nostalgia, or the "act half your age" mentality that all of us had back then, but for whatever reason the movie was downloaded and began playing on the very small screen, much to my confusion.

Now being the uncaring asshole that I am, I gave a running commentary throughout the movie, changing it from a kid-friendly romp through Japanese mind control techniques to a profane, overtly sexual abomination that completely destroyed the overall effect of the film.

Billions years have passed, and I've decided to actually dub the fucking movie as opposed to simply ruin it for the people I'm sitting with. That way, people will be able to pick:

"Do we want the real movie or do we want... that version?"



And to prove that I'm not just doing my usual "You know what would be cool? If I did this." thing and abandoning it days later, I made a teaser trailer as it were.

It'll only make sense to fans of the Legend of Zelda series, or people who've played enough of Ocarina of Time. But for those of you who don't understand it... Go and play it.

NOW.

That game is a masterpiece of yes and win.







- Squirrel245



"That's my bread and butter you're fucking with."

- Charles Ofdensen

Thortgy

Maybe its the several packets of sherbert that now reside in my stomach talking, but I've found myself drawn to that old question that you humans have been trying to answer since... ever. The one that, if asked constantly, can reduce any teacher to tears or cause them to snap and start gouging out your eyes with a ruler:


So I'm going to list the 5 questions that I'm trying to find answers for the most. The ones just won't shut up, and keep grabbing my attention like a 6-breasted Keira Knightley would.


1. Why is the word "fuckin" becoming the new word for "umm"?

2. Why do some people put body kits on cars gradually? Don't they realize that by driving around their partially pimped-ride with only 1 side skirt, 2 modified rims, and sub woofers the size of a rhino's ass, they're grabbing people's attention in the "look at that douchebag" sense?

3. Why do so many people take pride in having 10,752,534,958 myspace/bebo/facebook friends? It doesn't make them look popular... it makes them look like... friend-whores or something O_O

4. Why doesn't anyone have death metal as the "hold" music for their company's phone services?

5. Why do people think going to a party with a bunch of people you don't know, getting completely shit-faced, then waking up to find yourself in jail (or fertilized), makes for an awesome night?



I'll work them out someday, I'm sure.

If you haven't already hit the "back" button in your internet-look-at-window, here's a change of topic for you.

Recently one of my friends has taken an interest in that newfangled "Vlogging" thing. If you can't work out what vlogging is:

Vlogging = Video Blogging
You = Idiot

The concept of it is something that's intrigued me for several minutes. Don't worry, you don't have to call the national guard, I'm not going to start doing it, and here's why:

• The webcam that's buried away in some part of my house is of dubious quality at best
• It would be a waste of my voice
• Looking at my face has a similar effect to that Medusa chick from that ancient Greek legend. Although instead of turning to stone, you'll just spill your guts all over your keyboard, which will in turn electrocute and kill you, start a housefire that quickly becomes uncontrollable, setting neighbouring buildings on fire, spreading and spreading until "Global Warming" becomes the understatement of the decade.

But I did start thinking... What OTHER kinds of _log are there?

Plogging didn't sound to great, and Clogging sounded like something that would involve a lot of very cheesy pizza and several mind-bogglingly painful trips to the toilet, so that was out too.

Then it hit me. Twice.

FLOGGING

No, that doesn't involve me going into the street and beating the living shite out of people with a stick (I do that anyway), but instead:

Flogging = Flash Blogging


Now there's no way in hell that I'd Flog constantly. But the occasional sample of my nonsensical bullshit wrapped in a slightly more high-tech flashy coating would be an interesting thing to try, I'm sure.

Should I try it occasionally?


TELL MEH YER THOUGHTS!!!
And MAKE ME BROWNIES!!!



- Squirrel245



"Just a fucking joke,
No, its kinda not,
There's a little truth in
Every single shot."

- "Hatredy" by Dethklok