Silly Mind Vomit Happy Omniblog No. 1

Oh, hello there internet. It's been a while huh? Long time no see and all that.

...My god you've gotten fat since I last saw you ANYWAY, The reason I haven't bloggerised for a few weeks isn't purely because of laziness. No, part of the reason why is because I've thought of something to blog about, then realized I would have said everything I'd have wanted to say in about 3 sentences, which just doesn't justify a blog post around here.

You heard me. Even this pitiful excuse for a blog has standards. Be silent, infidel.

So then I was watching some old Ask a Ninja podcasts on my iPod, when I came across a podcast where the ninja answered a good 15 or so questions, instead of doing his usual "1 question per episode" thing. The answers he gave for them were much shorter and much less involved than the answers he normally gives for the questions he gets.

He called this particular episode "Ninja Omnibus".

"That gives me an idea!" I thought to myself. "I could do a blog post where -"

If by this point, you still can't see where I'm going with this, put a light bulb in your mouth, stick your head in a microwave, set the microwave to "noodles", videotape the results, and send the video to your parents with the words "I'M A BIG KID NOW" scribbled across it with a green crayon.

And so, it is with great pleasure and mild intoxication that I present the first of what will surely be a couple of omnibus-type blogs, each containing 3 or more miniblogs, which I shall call:

SILLY MIND VOMIT HAPPY WORLD
OMNIBLOG NO.1

Miniblog 1
Subject: Them's Fightin' Woids!


You know what I like? Creative threats.

It may just be because I'm a sick, twisted, and generally horrible person, but I truly think that the creation (or just improvisation) of unusual, snappy, painful sounding and mental-image-spawning threats is an art form. Or at the very least, an amusing skill to have.

There's the threats that are completely absurd and couldn't possibly be followed through without having magic powers, like "I'm going to sodomize you with the Eiffel tower! AND I HAVEN'T DECIDED WHICH END WILL BE INSERTED FIRST!".

Then there's the threats which are actually possible to carry out, but are delivered in such a way and with such detail that they're much... Zazzier, like "I'm going to pry apart your ribcage with a crowbar then stick a cherry bomb in the wound!"

But there are also the threats that try to sound creative, and end up failing spectacularly. Either they're dragged out so long that anyone listening gets bored and kills the person making the threat, or they're just way too simplistic and boring.... or both.

"I'm going to punch you in the face, and then I'm going to kick you in the legs!"

"I'm going to run you over with my car until you're dead, find a way to bring people back from the dead, bring you back from the dead, shoot you until you're almost dead, then cover you in acid til you die, bring you back from the dead again, stab you until you're almost out of blood, then..." etc.

I'd ask people to leave some of their favourite creative threats in the comments section, but the only person who reads this anymore is the same person who writes it. So I'll use Google to find some later when I feel like lolling at them.

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Miniblog 2 Subject: I am a Fucking Snitch


It's a known fact that the police sometimes decide to crack down on speeding when they've noticed that it's become a serious problem in a certain area. They send giant battalions of patrol cars, pursuit vehicles, tanks, gunships, and Vikings riding T-Rexes to this location and enforce the hell out of the speed limit until the people start to tremble in fear about going down a hill, because of the possibility that gravity may tip them over the limit for even a split second.

I thoroughly support these kind of anti-speeding blitzkrieg operations. They make the road safer, the lights on the cars look awesome (flashy light fun happy make!), and they actively fight the overwhelming stupidity of the human race. Unfortunately you don't really see many of these crack downs. Most people will tell you that they're reserving their man power and cars for murders, rapes, robberies, and reports of people watching Big Brother.

I think they're just not sure where to look for hotspots of driver-based idiocy. So today, a very rare thing will take place. I'm going to be a good little vegemite and tell on the bad people.

In fact, using highly sophisticated mapping technology (*COUGH*googlemaps*COUGH*) and hours of observing and plotting areas of concern, I am able to present the Australian Federal Police with a detailed map that displays each individual area I feel is worthy of their attention.

If you will kindly direct your eyes or scroll wheel downward...

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Miniblog 3 Subject: OH SHIT! FANGIRLS!


There's a long list of shows, bands, books, movies, characters, etc. that have developed armies of rabid fangirls who enthusiastically support anything and everything about them. If you're unsure about what I mean when I say "rabid fangirls", Frank West and his zombie friends volunteered to create a visual aid to make explaining it a lot easier.

The zombies represent rabid fangirls, and Frank West represents the object of the rabid fangirls' deification. The zombies really did their homework on rabid fangirls before they got together with Frank to create this shot:



For the most part, I've been Switzerland about rabid fangirls. My opinion has basically been "That's kinda pathetic, but whatever, there are more annoying groups of people on this planet."

So anyway, a movie based on a book came out recently, and there were rabid fangirls attached to both. Yeah, I heard that exasperated sigh from here, and I fucking agree.

I hadn't heard about the books until the ads for the movie started invading every single webpage I decided to visit. Now after finishing the quick wikipedia search I did out of confusion, I came to the conclusion that I personally hate Twilight for it's pussification of vampires, but decided to just ignore it and let it and its rabid fangirls pass into mercifully distant memory.

Then a couple of weeks later, I start seeing threads appear in some of the forums I visit entitled things like "Holy shit... twitard rage" or something similar. I thought they'd just be posts complaining about the unwavering support for the books that seemed to have swept the female teenage population of the western world.

But no. These threads were about rabid Twilight fangirls who had actually attacked someone because they said something like "I hate Twilight". Crazed teenage bitches who'd thrown bricks at people, or attempted to put their eyes out with a pencil for not liking Twilight. I've only heard of this kind of extremism coming from Twilight fangirls, but I'm sure as humanity gets stupider and more decadent, there will be many more incidents like this involving some new object of "worship".

I am only going to say this once, so if you're a rabid-fangirlism prone teenager then listen the fuck up. I may detest mankind as a whole and not give a rat's ass about strangers, but if I ever see one of you attacking someone because they don't idolize the same things you do, I will drag your ass to a dark, secluded place and, using you as the example, demonstrate just how much bodily harm someone can endure before they die.

You crazy bitches.

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Well that's it for this omniblog. It feels good to be able to get a bunch of stuff I wanted to say that was unworthy of a blog post off my e-chest. It's almost therapeutic really.

Now if you'll excuse me, a very old and very nostalgia-ridden game is sitting on my hard drive that yearns to be played. And even if you won't excuse me,
FUCK YOU IT'S DELUXE GALAGA TIME!



- Squirrel245



"...You want your Grey's Anatomy back Kenny?"

- Stan Marsh