Previously, on...This.

Guess who's back, back again.

Yep. It's the dude with the face!


So you might be thinking:
"What the hell, you lazy douche-muffin? What's with the no-posty?"

...Okay so you're not, because that would mean you were an avid SMVHW reader, of which there are none. But there is a good reason why this blog has been flat-lining for a while.

You see, in the last blog post, I pretended to be an emo. I must have pretended too hard or something, because the emo-ness actually killed me. Unfortunately, the emo-related death counted as a suicide, so 4 months was added to my respawn timer. I'll try to avoid ever doing that again.

Or I'm just incredibly lazy and have better and more shiny things to look at and play with than this thing. Believe whatever you want.

Anyway, the reason I'm here again is because:

1. I've respawned
2. My friend Chris reminded me that I have a blog

His initial suggestion to write a new blog entry was met with my whining about me having blogger's block, so he then suggested I write something about "Whatever the shit you are doing at that place you go to that is much greater than ANU."


...Kay!

I thought about what exactly to write about for a few minutes, then decided it'd be much simpler to do a list of some of the deep philosophical things my classmates and I have said during our time at the AIE so far. It should help give a clearer idea of what I'm currently doing education-wise, what I hope to achieve, and my progress.

So, in no particular order, here's the quotes:


"Why does everything you model have a giant dong attached to it?"

"I'm gonna go get my meat on."

"♪Doo doo. Doo-be-doo, doo-be-doo-be doo doo.♪"

"Alright, log out of the games guys, time to do some work. Hey look! A pair of Korean chicks dancing around singing the DDR theme!"

"Is it because you smell?"
"It's because ya mum smells... like my dick."

"Ohhhh Squirrel... your chainsaw is so big!"

"It's Nigel the disco space magician, here to defeat the intergalactic KKK!"

"Mr Body Massage Machine Go!"

*buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...*
"Okay, you won."
*...rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp*
"G.I. Jooooeee!"

"Take about five dozen eggs, start putting 'em in a bowl, mix the... FUCK out of 'em, and whaddaya get?"
"PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OH MY GOD. WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BIRD SHIT ON THIS OVAL?!"

"I will destroy you."

"Shut up about batteries, you idiot."

"Back in a sec guys, just gonna go lock the door..."
...
"...So what did he want?"
"He wanted us to make a game where you're a religious leader and you have to beat up the Pope."

"I'll come play if you stop talking about playing and just play."

"We should link up those 360s and play Pong."

"We're all a bunch of parrots, aren't we?"
"Yeah, we are."
"Definitely parrots."
"Yep. All parrots."
"We certainly are parrots."
"Are we though?"
"Yeah, are we?"
"We are, aren't we?"
"Are we?"
"Do you reckon we're parrots?"

"Seeing as how we've got the nerf guns out now, do you wanna take the other class hostage?"
"Yeah ok."

"Aww nuu, I'm beached as!"
"I don't get why you all think it's so funny."
"Aww bruu, it's funny as!"

"I had to put a giant mobile phone suit on and stand around for a while."

"TRAAACTORRR!"

"WHERE'S MY WIIIIIIIIIFE?!"


Hopefully that list gave you a bit of an insight into the complex and rigorous training we are currently undergoing.

Now I'm off again, gonna go do something even less productive than this. Maybe I'll start updating more often. Maybe not.
Only time will tell.
And time is socially inept and hardly speaks at all, so you'll have to work hard to get an answer out of him.



-Squirrel245


"21! There is a taxi cab outside awaiting his fare. Slay him."

- The Monarch

Teh Emo Poast

No-one understands.

My life is an endless hell. I had another fight with my father today. We both wanted the last cheese and bacon roll. He started yelling at me... So I took out my earphones. We did rock paper scissors to see who would get the roll. Best of three. He won... No-one understands.

Getting out of bed these days is an intense emotional struggle. I just can't bring myself to face the world when my bed is this comfy. You know when you just wake up, and your bed is like a comfort-gasm? No you don't. You don't understand. No-one understands.

The kids at school make fun of me. Then I make fun of them. Then at lunch I go to the shops with those kids to get energy drinks and make fun of anything we come across that breaks the monotony of this bleak world. They don't understand.

I cut myself again today. Opening a letter I'd got in the mail. Enormous paper cut. My finger is now in constant pain, just like the pain my soul is in. That's right. The papercut is so deep it went through my skin, flesh, muscle, and bone, and sliced my soul. I don't understand.

I'm probably going to kill myself soon. Today I found out that my emo-fringe was really just a dead crow stuck to my head. No-one noticed. I hate them for not paying any attention to me.

Just leave me alone.Leave me with my pain.

None of you understand.

/wrist.

__________________________________________________

...Well that was surprisingly easy. Hell, it could probably be mistaken for a real emo post. Maybe THAT'S why blogs are part of the emo stereotype.

BRB, food.



- Squirrel245


"Goddamn I hate emo kids."

- Squirrel245

Lovely Spaaam, Wonderful Spaaaaaaaaam!

Like everyone with an email address (and probably everyone without one, too), my inbox is constantly assaulted by a never ending tide of spam emails that want to sell me a fake rolex, fly out to mexico to claim my lottery prize, or increase size of my love rod so that lady friend stop ridicule me about in bedroom.

Gmail automatically sends this crap to the "spam" email folder, which I will occasionally empty when the number of them reaches a few hundred. Today while in the process of doing just that, it occurred to me that these emails often read like they were written by a computer that didn't have a complete grasp of the English language. More of a grasp than a gangsta or a bogan maybe, but just not enough to be convincing.

It got me thinking; What would happen if I used Google Translator to try and make them sound slightly more...correct? However, the "correct" bit sounded boring. Instead I used the translator to see how ridiculous and stupid I could make them sound.

The M.O. for my little game went like this:


Here's what I did until I found something shiny to play with. I left the links out, as well as the subject, because I'm lazy. The originals are yellow and the new ones are green.



Guarantee that your couple's act won't end in 5 minutes in a shame

Make sure that your partner is not the end of five minutes

Be the mighty volcano, when it comes to night rendezvous
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Product for making your nights super emotional and intense

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Today, the price of the rich:

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I am a girl from Russia and want to find friend in USA. If you are interested in our acquaintence, please, write me on my e-mail address
I will tell you more about me and my life. I think you won’t be dissapointed because I am very cheerful and try to enjoy the life. I also like to get new friends and share my thought and ideas with them. I have many friends here in Russia. But I don’t have any friend abroad yet. I think it is just the time to get new experience. I hope you won’t deny such a sweet lady to become her friend. Sweet and warm kiss from Russia. I am looking forward to hearing from you soon. Eva
I am a girl from Russia, and hope to find a friend in the United States. If you are interested in our knowledge, in my inbox e-mail
I will tell you more about themselves and their lives. Dissapointed, I think, not because I am very happy and try to enjoy life. I also let my friends and share their ideas and views. I have many friends in Russia. But I have no friends abroad. I think this is a matter of time, a new experience. I hope they do not deny this sweet lady to be his friend. The soft, warm embrace of Russia. I look forward to get to hear from you. Eva



...
Looking at some of those, I'm starting to think the heavy use of Unglish might be deliberate.

Coming up next, I make fun of emo kids with a fake emo blog post.



- Squirrel245


"You wanna know the truth? Fine... I hate that lady.
But it's not like regular hatred. It's so much more black.
If she were a street gang, I'd fucking go to war with her with bottles and chains!"

- Nathan Explosion

"Why no fall for my trick?"

Good aftermornevenight, class. I hope you got lots of sleep last night, because you won't get much tonight. I just leveled all of your houses so I can test my new environmentally friendly concept car. It runs on the feelings of loss you are now experiencing.

Anyway, todays subject for discussion (discussion in this case meaning "shut the fuck up and listen".) is internet ads.

The internet, for those of you who don't remember, is that thing you're using now. If you didn't skip that last sentence, please hurl yourself into a pit of horny walruses. And DON'T COME BACK.

Unless you're old and senile to the point that you're still praying your side will win the Second World War, you can probably agree that the internet is unbeatable when it comes to finding out what's going on, anywhere in the world. You don't even need someone to go and hide in every country and tap out some morse code every day. All you need is Google.

The internet is also a good source of entertainment. Video sharing sites, chat rooms, online games, websites dedicated solely to amassing the biggest collection of jokes they can... Hell, social networking can sometimes be fun too. Especially if you're a teenage girl. Don't try to contradict me, girls. You know it's true.

The point I'm feebly trying to make is that the internet is serious business. So serious in fact that anyone who's used it more than four times will be able to do it without blowing something up 99.9% of the time. They'll know their shit. They know how to internet.

With that in mind... or at least, on the screen... some internet ads confuse me. There's the standard ones that are clearly ads:


"Wintastic Car Insurance. Because you'll probably crash that thing."

"Looking for a job? Click here! We're like the jobs guide in your paper... but ELECTROMONICAL!"

"The new Nokia 6187382740947092834098013408. We just really like numbers."


These kind of ads are just an example of good marketing strategy. It's the internet for fuck's sake. That's like... 500 billion views of your ad per nanosecond. And that's at 3am.

The ads that confuse me are the ones that try to trick people into clicking them with false promises of money, a games console, or a night on a giant mattress with a battallion of sexy womens. When these kinds of ads first started showing up, I'll bet millions of people were duped. Then, after clicking, they realised "Oh. It's just a stupid ad.", and never fell for that particular ruse ever again. Maybe it took some people two or three times to realise this, but they got there in the end. And those who fell for it more than 5 times were simply turned into soilent green.

So why the hell are these kinds of ads still around? Are they hoping that some young and naive kid will click them on their first ever visit to the internet? Are they hoping some of the people in the "soilent green" category escaped their fate and are still browsing the internet?

I mean come on...

Do you really expect me to believe that I'm the 999,999th visitor to your website after seeing that ad fifteen times?

Who the hell out there would still think, even for a moment, that cutesurfergirl123 was an actual person? And even if she was, why the hell would she be talking to you in a chatbox that's appeared in the spot the "tickle the fat kid and win a crappy ringtone" game was a few minutes ago?

How many people do you seriously think there are who don't know that your "create your own avatar! pick eyes/clothes/hair/genital deformations" things are actually just one giant link?


You're on the internet. Which updates faster than time itself. You however, are living in e-historic times. Going against the flow. Holding back the progress of online mankind.

...

SERIOUSLY.

- Squirrel245


"Narwhals, narwhals,
swimming in the ocean,
causin' a commotion,
'cause they are so awesome."

- Narwhals!

The People Must Know

If anyone reading this ever has this error message appear on their computers, call tech support immediately. Then find the nearest bomb shelter and wait 12 years for the background radiation to die down to a safe level.

On a slightly less serious note, there are some things I wanted to say that are of little importance to anyone who isn't me. Which you aren't. As opposed to the usual mind vomit, I suppose this post could be classified as something my mind had recently eaten then regurgitated before it had even entered the stomach.

...I may have to draw a picture of that later... Something for you to look forward to when I'm not posting at 1:50am!

First off, for the few of you who will understand this, anyone subscribed to the Silly Mind Vomit Happy World feed might... not... be... anymore. Google appears to have eaten the website I originally used, and in the process, seemed to fuck up my feedage six ways from sunday.

TL;DR: If for some reason you actually clicked that link on the left and subscribed to this shit, you might have to do it again for it to keep working, I dunno. Not being on the receiving end I'm not sure.

Secondly, my school is better than yours. We watch movies every Friday, play Xbox 360, LAN stuff occasionally, and do battle with each other with Nerf Guns. Any actual work we do involves fucking with reality by means of 3D animation. Occasionally there is chocolate. In short:


Thirdly, Senator Censorship Conroy will be appearing on Q&A on Thursday at 9:30pm I think. For those of you who don't know:

• Senator Conroy is the one trying to put that stupid nation-wide internet filter in place, and, for lack of a better defense against the overwhelming amount of evidence that shows just how badly that would fuck things up, states that anyone opposed to the filter supports child pornography.
• Q&A is a show on the ABC where the general public can submit a list of questions directed at the guests which they will then answer then and there.

Let's see how long he can last before being crushed by an armour-plated tank of reason.


Fourthly, "Howl's Moving Castle" has got to be some of the trippiest shit I have ever seen. Google it if you don't really value your sanity and you have a large supply of WTFs on standby.

Fifthly, Finally, Conclusively, and Lazily...
G'night. Remind me to stop staying up this late... *dies*



- Squirrel245


"Snake... When I was a little girl -"

*punch* "Amazing. Let's go."

- Metal Gear Awesome 2

Silly Mind Vomit Happy Omniblog No. 1

Oh, hello there internet. It's been a while huh? Long time no see and all that.

...My god you've gotten fat since I last saw you ANYWAY, The reason I haven't bloggerised for a few weeks isn't purely because of laziness. No, part of the reason why is because I've thought of something to blog about, then realized I would have said everything I'd have wanted to say in about 3 sentences, which just doesn't justify a blog post around here.

You heard me. Even this pitiful excuse for a blog has standards. Be silent, infidel.

So then I was watching some old Ask a Ninja podcasts on my iPod, when I came across a podcast where the ninja answered a good 15 or so questions, instead of doing his usual "1 question per episode" thing. The answers he gave for them were much shorter and much less involved than the answers he normally gives for the questions he gets.

He called this particular episode "Ninja Omnibus".

"That gives me an idea!" I thought to myself. "I could do a blog post where -"

If by this point, you still can't see where I'm going with this, put a light bulb in your mouth, stick your head in a microwave, set the microwave to "noodles", videotape the results, and send the video to your parents with the words "I'M A BIG KID NOW" scribbled across it with a green crayon.

And so, it is with great pleasure and mild intoxication that I present the first of what will surely be a couple of omnibus-type blogs, each containing 3 or more miniblogs, which I shall call:

SILLY MIND VOMIT HAPPY WORLD
OMNIBLOG NO.1

Miniblog 1
Subject: Them's Fightin' Woids!


You know what I like? Creative threats.

It may just be because I'm a sick, twisted, and generally horrible person, but I truly think that the creation (or just improvisation) of unusual, snappy, painful sounding and mental-image-spawning threats is an art form. Or at the very least, an amusing skill to have.

There's the threats that are completely absurd and couldn't possibly be followed through without having magic powers, like "I'm going to sodomize you with the Eiffel tower! AND I HAVEN'T DECIDED WHICH END WILL BE INSERTED FIRST!".

Then there's the threats which are actually possible to carry out, but are delivered in such a way and with such detail that they're much... Zazzier, like "I'm going to pry apart your ribcage with a crowbar then stick a cherry bomb in the wound!"

But there are also the threats that try to sound creative, and end up failing spectacularly. Either they're dragged out so long that anyone listening gets bored and kills the person making the threat, or they're just way too simplistic and boring.... or both.

"I'm going to punch you in the face, and then I'm going to kick you in the legs!"

"I'm going to run you over with my car until you're dead, find a way to bring people back from the dead, bring you back from the dead, shoot you until you're almost dead, then cover you in acid til you die, bring you back from the dead again, stab you until you're almost out of blood, then..." etc.

I'd ask people to leave some of their favourite creative threats in the comments section, but the only person who reads this anymore is the same person who writes it. So I'll use Google to find some later when I feel like lolling at them.

____________________________

Miniblog 2 Subject: I am a Fucking Snitch


It's a known fact that the police sometimes decide to crack down on speeding when they've noticed that it's become a serious problem in a certain area. They send giant battalions of patrol cars, pursuit vehicles, tanks, gunships, and Vikings riding T-Rexes to this location and enforce the hell out of the speed limit until the people start to tremble in fear about going down a hill, because of the possibility that gravity may tip them over the limit for even a split second.

I thoroughly support these kind of anti-speeding blitzkrieg operations. They make the road safer, the lights on the cars look awesome (flashy light fun happy make!), and they actively fight the overwhelming stupidity of the human race. Unfortunately you don't really see many of these crack downs. Most people will tell you that they're reserving their man power and cars for murders, rapes, robberies, and reports of people watching Big Brother.

I think they're just not sure where to look for hotspots of driver-based idiocy. So today, a very rare thing will take place. I'm going to be a good little vegemite and tell on the bad people.

In fact, using highly sophisticated mapping technology (*COUGH*googlemaps*COUGH*) and hours of observing and plotting areas of concern, I am able to present the Australian Federal Police with a detailed map that displays each individual area I feel is worthy of their attention.

If you will kindly direct your eyes or scroll wheel downward...

____________________________

Miniblog 3 Subject: OH SHIT! FANGIRLS!


There's a long list of shows, bands, books, movies, characters, etc. that have developed armies of rabid fangirls who enthusiastically support anything and everything about them. If you're unsure about what I mean when I say "rabid fangirls", Frank West and his zombie friends volunteered to create a visual aid to make explaining it a lot easier.

The zombies represent rabid fangirls, and Frank West represents the object of the rabid fangirls' deification. The zombies really did their homework on rabid fangirls before they got together with Frank to create this shot:



For the most part, I've been Switzerland about rabid fangirls. My opinion has basically been "That's kinda pathetic, but whatever, there are more annoying groups of people on this planet."

So anyway, a movie based on a book came out recently, and there were rabid fangirls attached to both. Yeah, I heard that exasperated sigh from here, and I fucking agree.

I hadn't heard about the books until the ads for the movie started invading every single webpage I decided to visit. Now after finishing the quick wikipedia search I did out of confusion, I came to the conclusion that I personally hate Twilight for it's pussification of vampires, but decided to just ignore it and let it and its rabid fangirls pass into mercifully distant memory.

Then a couple of weeks later, I start seeing threads appear in some of the forums I visit entitled things like "Holy shit... twitard rage" or something similar. I thought they'd just be posts complaining about the unwavering support for the books that seemed to have swept the female teenage population of the western world.

But no. These threads were about rabid Twilight fangirls who had actually attacked someone because they said something like "I hate Twilight". Crazed teenage bitches who'd thrown bricks at people, or attempted to put their eyes out with a pencil for not liking Twilight. I've only heard of this kind of extremism coming from Twilight fangirls, but I'm sure as humanity gets stupider and more decadent, there will be many more incidents like this involving some new object of "worship".

I am only going to say this once, so if you're a rabid-fangirlism prone teenager then listen the fuck up. I may detest mankind as a whole and not give a rat's ass about strangers, but if I ever see one of you attacking someone because they don't idolize the same things you do, I will drag your ass to a dark, secluded place and, using you as the example, demonstrate just how much bodily harm someone can endure before they die.

You crazy bitches.

____________________________

Well that's it for this omniblog. It feels good to be able to get a bunch of stuff I wanted to say that was unworthy of a blog post off my e-chest. It's almost therapeutic really.

Now if you'll excuse me, a very old and very nostalgia-ridden game is sitting on my hard drive that yearns to be played. And even if you won't excuse me,
FUCK YOU IT'S DELUXE GALAGA TIME!



- Squirrel245



"...You want your Grey's Anatomy back Kenny?"

- Stan Marsh

19th Year of the Squirrel Plague

So 2008 has thrown in the towel and fucked off. 2009 has climbed into the ring and is nervously glancing around at the billions of people watching it, while at the same time making sure it can see its opponent, Life, at all times.

It knows it's doomed to lose; Life has been in billions of fights like this before, and has never once lost or even stepped out of the ring. It's more of a challenge to see how much dignity you can leave the ring with when you do eventually get the shit kicked out of you.

With that said, after reading blogs and lists like this one I decided to see if I could make one of my own. A list of things that happened in 2008, good or bad, things I achieved, and... If I can think of any... Some goals for 2009.

So without further ado, LET'S MAKE A FUCKING LIST.


2008
In order of "Oh yeah I remember that..."

• Early on in the year I went to Sydney with two of my friends. We bought wingasmic headphones, ate Turkish food, then saw a shitty band play for a good two hours. Then NIGHTWISH came and curb-stomped the time wasting fuckrags into nonexistence, and proceeded to unleash wave after wave of epic and win upon the audience until everyone's ears came. Then we had Turkish food again, and got a taxi ride back to our hotel with one of the world's most awesome taxi drivers. Then we went home.
  

• I got my P plates in mid-January, then got rid of them about 6 months later.

• My body lost its KFC dependency right around the same time KFC lost its "train new employees before letting them work" policy.

• I became an adult. Legally at least. Mentally I'm yet to reach age 10.

• I got a Cert II in Screen and Animation. The result of the final "group" task I took part in can be seen here.

• I was introduced to the wonderful world of Metalocalypse.

• I bought an iMac (which I then turned into a Windows/Mac hybrid), a PS3, an Xbox 360... again... and a small surround sound system. As a result of this, I completed my room.

• I attended my Graduation, which I strongly regret doing, seeing as how I had the option to come into school the following day and simply retreive my shit then. Instead I had to sit through 2 hours of "You people are smart. We like your shirts. Well done. We are proud of you. You are the future, make it delicious."

• I learned to treat 99% of mankind the same way I treat children. No big words, don't present them with overly complex problems, and stab them in the face with a boat anchor as soon as they start making loud and irritating noises.

• I made the biggest, most painful, most story driven, most gruelling, and most time consuming Flash cartoon I have ever worked on, and met a deadline with it too. It was shown to an audience, they seemed to enjoy it, I'd seen it too many times to appreciate it anymore.

• I voted for the first time. It was really boring. Hopefully come next election the Australian Sex Party will still be in the running.

• I got accepted into the Academy of Interactive Entertainment. More on that in a month or two, I guess.

• I made a deviantART account. I'm surprised I haven't been banned for internet-pollution or something.

• I found an actual term for that thing that most teenagers seem to love, and I don't see the appeal of: Social Drama.

• I was given a barbeque minutes before I left for school on a cold and boring September morn. It confused the hell out of me. Turns out Mum had ordered it.

• I learned that when you are over at someone's house and everyone else is drinking, you should drink a lot less. The reason? It's a hell of a lot of fun (and incredibly easy) to trick/convince your alcohol fueled buddies to comically injure or humiliate themselves for the amusement of the non-pissants.

2009
What I may or may not achieve, in order of likeliness:

• Find where the AIE is and successfully make it there in time for class.

• Acquire a small collection of decent PS3 games.
  

• Take slightly better care of myself (i.e. Exercise occasionally)

• Learn some more Spanish.

• I may be forced to actually go out and get laid because Steven Conroy's idiotic web filter will have stolen our porn. Hopefully that won't happen.

• Become a mature and sensible person. (Yeah right.)

Right, that's all for now. For the 2 or 3 people who read this, they'll notice that I actually posted it on the 9th of January. But you must realise that I am the GOD of this blog. I can travel back in time and post it at the turn of the new year. MWAHAHAHA!!!

Happy New Year, bitches.



- Squirrel245


*Is it green?*

"Yes. Very."

- Jeremy Clarkson reviewing the Ford Fiesta

Saints Row 2 Un-Review

NOTE: If you've come here for an actual, sensible review of Saints Row 2, click the "back" button IMMEDIATELY. This isn't even a review. In fact, the only reason the word "review" is in the title of this blog is because Squirrel245 couldn't think of any other way to describe it. It's more of a "Look at this. LOLOLOLOL." type of thing.

_______________________________________________________

So I've been playing Saints Row 2 quite a lot lately, which has been the source of much amusement. Because of it's unique ability to entertain me for more than 28 consecutive minutes, I decided to take a break from my normal thing (kudos to anyone who knows what my normal thing is, cos I sure as hell don't), and write an alcohol fueled block of text about it.

Brace yourselves, I don't know where this is going.

For those of you who haven't played this game, I'll give a not-so-quick and questionably factual summary of what Saints Row 2 is about.


The game starts up in the medical ward of an offshore prison. As the camera sweeps through the place, you are shown your character. In their current state, your character is a comatose vegetable who's been dressed up like an Egyptian mummy; apparently prior to being put into prison, your character was unfortunate (or stupid) enough to get on board an exploding boat. I never played the story part of the original Saints Row, so I wouldn't know.

You know how you sometimes hear in books, movies, or the news, about people who have been burned in horrible explosions and are rendered unrecognizable? Saints Row 2 takes that to a whole new level.

The camera zooms in on the bundle of bandages that is your head, while a nurse starts to remove them. The bitch must have spent 30-ish years getting those bandages off, because while she's doing that, you're taken to a menu in which you can change many, many things about your character. These include the colour and style of your hair, your ethnicity, and if you have tits or a penis.

After this quick self-reconstruction, a wounded teen named Carlos is placed in the next bed over, claiming to have let himself get stabbed in order to speak to you, the famous leader of the now non-existent 3rd Street Saints gang. His mouth moves for a while and words come out of it, then your character decides:

"THIS PLACE SUCKS! I'm leaving."

At this point you make a stealthy and cunning escape by heading straight to the exit while brutally murdering everything that moves with your bare fists. Carlos follows you, but wisely keeps out of your "complete and utter destruction" space. You both nick a boat and head for the mainland, bringing down a couple of police helicopters, traffic reporters, and pigeons in the process.

When you get out of your boat, your character notices that Carlos is speaking again, and this time he listens. Carlos tells you that after you got on the bomb-cruise and were blown halfway to hell, 3 different gangs spontaneously appeared. This causes the other members of your gang to either become arrested or turn into pussies and disassociate themselves from your purple-clad posse.

Your mission becomes obvious: Commit random acts of violence against these three gangs, kill then piss on their leaders, and go round to any suburbs they've taken over and tell them
"NO YOU CAN'T HAS!" until the city is once again yours.

So that's the storyline in a nutshell, but what about the actual game?



EYE FOOD a.k.a. GRAPHICS

The graphics in this game are amazing. The citizens of Stillwater all have four fingers and two thumbs, cars and trucks look like cars and trucks, the sun blinds you if you're stupid enough to look directly at it, and a satisfyingly excessive amount of blood spurts semi-realistically from people who get in the way of your bullets. There's also an ocean, possibly made out of jelly that hasn't quite set yet.

There's also options in the game to get drunk or high, which affect how your character perceives the world. The amount of change in the way you see things depends on how much of a piss head your character is, but each change makes driving high speed vehicles twice as challenging, twice as hilarious, and also twice as fatal... for everyone who isn't you.

Last but not least, did someone say BRIGHTNESS AND GAMMA CONTROL OPTION?



PEOPLE AROUND YOU a.k.a. ARTIFICIAL INSEMINA - I mean INTELLIGENCE

The people of Stillwater wander around the city like zombies, often carrying newspapers or mobile phones. They will pull you out of your car in a feeble attempt to kill you, should you look at them funny. Fifty percent of the time, they will be walking on the sidewalk. The rest of the time they will be stumbling blindly into the road, eyes glued to a phone or a particularly attractive light pole on the other side of the road, and will expect any road users to wait for them.

Should you drive too fast near one, whether they are in the middle of the road, or on the sidewalk, they will scream and throw themselves into the path of the oncoming vehicle. The ones who have been allowed to drive do so with minimal regard for the road rules, and sometimes abandon the road entirely, speeding away across a park or through a building until they die upon hitting something thicker than they are.

It's for the above reasons that I award Saints Row 2 the "Most Realistic Simulation of Average Human Intelligence" award.

The other members of your gang are just as fascinating, thanks to their more aggressive disposition. Often you will see one of them going for a stroll, minding their own business, when suddenly a random citizen will assault them, completely unprovoked. As the confused gang member recovers from the first blow and gets to his feet, he raises his head to see that several cars have run off the road, his companions have emerged from within them, and are currently beating the shit out of the assailant with bats, knives, crowbars, or AK-47's.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of this kind of random abuse from people, your gang members will immediately (and violently) come to your aid, then enthusiastically run over the crippled body of your attacker for their own amusement.



HOW TO MAKE SHIT HAPPEN a.k.a. GAMEPLAY

Aside from a few basics (this control stick makes you run, the other control stick changes the camera angle, this trigger makes you hurt people etc.), it seems that most of the games controls were drawn out of a hat when it came to assigning them a button. It doesn't take long for the control scheme to start to feel semi-natural, but during that time it feels like you've just been asked to ride a tyrannosaurus down a busy highway during an earthquake and a hurricane.
"WTF HOW?!"

After a few minutes of playing Saints Row 2, you will come to the conclusion that your character is either an undercover alien from the planet Superior, or the Hulk's less gifted cousin. Right from the word go, you can pick up things like fire hydrants and street signs, then hurl them at people with the force of a small bullet train. Your character also takes the phrase "time heals all wounds" very seriously.

"Oh shit! Someone get help! Our gang leader has suffered bullet wounds in his everywhere!"
"Just gimme 20 seconds, I'll be fine."

There is also a substantial amount of weird shit you can do that actually has benefits. Jump on a car roof as it's driving away, and the game will let you launch a mini-game which gives you "respect" if you can stay on while the terrified human at the wheel tries to throw you off. Should you feel the urge to throw someone off a bridge, the game will laugh and award you points depending on how far the helpless fucker falls. Point a gun at someone for a few seconds, and they'll shit themselves and drop their wallets. Unless they're a cop... Cops have no sense of humour in this game.

The missions you do and the cutscenes that are stuck in between them make you wonder "What the FUCK were these people smoking?", and make you want to continue playing, if only to see what else became of their drug fuelled game creating... spree.



IN-KEN-CLUE-SHIN

If you are a lazy, deadbeat parent who dreams of their child someday getting into that most exclusive of educational facilities known as jail, this is the game for you to use as a substitute for actual parenting. It will teach your little mistake many vital life lessons, such as:

1. Throwing yourself into traffic in the pursuit of committing insurance fraud will, in reality, leave you no worse for wear.
2. If one of your friends should become incapacitated in some way, they will jump right back up if you give them some booze.
3. The police will only notice you're acting inappropriately after you've killed three people.
4. If you can get into the driver's seat of any type of vehicle, you are legally permitted to operate it.
5. Be careful when driving at high speeds on highways; cars may materialize within metres of you at any given moment.

To everyone else, Saints Row 2 is both an amusing game and an easy way to confuse yourself, alone or with friends.




Graphics: 7/10 Badgers.

Sound: 9/10 Lols.

AI: 27/100 IQ points.

Realism: 8/8 points of realism avoided successfully.

Gameplay: 9/10 WTFs.

The Ronin: Suck.

Overall: ROFLCAEKS.

_______________________________________________________

And with that, I'm off. This room is too bright for 12:25am.



- Squirrel245



"He's not, the only one, who can sing, from his heart,
I have feelings inside, and - aww, FUCK THIS SHIT."

- Spanky Ham

The Snowball Effect (!WARNING!: RETARDED)

Attention mindless human spawn of the world!

I'm here to show you a good example of what happens when i get bored.


Click here to see the effects of the boredom.

..........
..........
..........
..........

Not-so-seriously though, here's what happens when I'm bored, I'm also in a 3-way conversation on MSN with a couple of my friends, and they are bored too.

On this particular occasion, we had been chatting merrily for about half an hour, when we suddenly became bored and fell silent as we searched our computers and the internet for some form of entertainment. After this failed, one of us said a random word in the hopes that it would spark some sort of conversation. That word was "pants".

THE COMBATANTS:

Christopher. - The one who would bring about an apocalypse of mental death with his utterance of the word "pants".

SPLastic ● надежда - Was creating a small town with the Far Cry 2 Map Editor at the time. Occasionally switched back to the convo and was understandably confused each time.

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} - Yours truly.


So here's what happened, beginning with "pants":







Christopher. says (10:44 PM):
pants

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:45 PM):
fish pants

Christopher. says (10:45 PM):
fish testicle pants

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:45 PM):
fish testicle automator pants

Christopher. says (10:46 PM):
fish testicle automator firing pants

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:46 PM):
6 litre fish testicle automator firing pants

Christopher. says (10:47 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:47 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter

Christopher. says (10:49 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of juice

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:49 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum juice

Christopher. says (10:49 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:50 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured tampon

SPLastic ● надежда says (10:50 PM):
well

SPLastic ● надежда says (10:51 PM):
clearly i missed a lot while i brushed my teeth

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:51 PM):
you did indeed

Christopher. says (10:51 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured tampon cake

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:51 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured tampon cake stall

Christopher. says (10:52 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall

SPLastic ● надежда says (10:52 PM):
so it's a stall that sells six litre cakes that have the texture of tampons and can absorb a lot of blood, and have a very strange flavour.

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:52 PM):
and it changes with every message

SPLastic ● надежда says (10:52 PM):
and chris just released their expensive range

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:53 PM):
stale 6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall

Christopher. says (10:53 PM):
stale 6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall cat

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:53 PM):
stale 6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall cat urine

Christopher. says (10:56 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall cat urine

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:57 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous cat urine

Christopher. says (10:58 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous cat urine neurotoxin

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:58 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous cat urine neurotoxin waffles

Christopher. says (10:59 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous cat urine neurotoxin doom waffles

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:59 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom waffles

Christopher. says (11:00 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:00 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of gondor

Christopher. says (11:01 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:01 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor factory

SPLastic ● надежда says (11:01 PM):
jesus christ

Christopher. says (11:01 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s tank factory

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:02 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s goat tank factory

Christopher. says (11:02 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s goat-milk tank factory

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:03 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s infected goat-milk tank factory

Christopher. says (11:03 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s infected goat-milk nitrogen tank factory

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:03 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s infected goat-milk nitrogen AIDS tank factory

Christopher. says (11:04 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive syphillus tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s infected goat-milk nitrogen AIDS tank factory

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:04 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive syphillus tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s infected menstrual goat-milk nitrogen AIDS tank factory

Christopher. says (11:05 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive syphillus tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s infected menstrual goat-milk nitrogen AIDS tank factory exhaust

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:05 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive syphillus tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s infected menstrual goat-milk nitrogen AIDS tank factory exhaust gorilla

Christopher. says (11:06 PM):
...

Christopher. says (11:06 PM):
what have we even constructed?

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:06 PM):
the brain destroyer

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:06 PM):
like a tongue twister for the mind

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:06 PM):
but actually fatal

Christopher. says (11:06 PM):
...i have to work this out...

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:07 PM):
i gave up on that

Christopher. says (11:09 PM):
so its a stale lot of beer...that hangs around in packs...with fish testicle pants that automatically fires/emits ovum berry juice flavoured syphillius tampon cake stalls...made of “deciduous cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles” made in “aragorn’s gondor’s infected menstrual goat-milk nitrogen AIDS tank factory” by an exhaust “gorilla”

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:09 PM):
pretty much

THE END

So there you have it.
Boredom³.

Hopefully I'll find some way of relieving that boredom soon. For now, I'm going to go fill a firetruck with mayonnaise and drive around hosing things down with it.



- Squirrel245



"Mother tries to comfort me, she says:
"Here son, have some Eggnog."
But I fucking hate Eggnog, seriously. "

- "Swiss Colony Beef Log" by Eric Cartman

Winners don't use drugs. They just break the legs of every other competitor.

Choose-day, Novembah Eighteenth, Two Thowsand and Eight.

At shix-thirty pm, at "The Kussy's" film feshtival, an animation ish due to be shown to the mashes.

That animation was finished at two-forty five pm that shame afternoon.

The creator shays that in the lasht few daysh of thish procesh, he was really getting an idea of what it musht be like working on a Shouth Park epishode.

When ashked what he wash going to do neksht, he held up a cashe of beer and shaid he was going to shpend shome time with shomeone who he couldn't pay much attention to during the animation procesh: his Xbox Three Shixty.

The animation can now be sheen on YouTube, for anyone who is curioush about what the audiensh was shubjected to.

We'll have no more on thish story, even after shobriety kicks in, we've been told.

- Cecil the Sean Connery Tree

Signs of Life

Check it.

I have actual proof that I'm not just sitting around eating fast food all day.

...Huh. It seems you've alarmed him.

Before I return to making him move and kill stuff, there's some things I'd like to say about the people who only just have enough brain power to walk around a shopping centre:

1. To what seems like 90% of teenage girls:

Here's how walking near you works. You generally have a quick pace, and never yield to anybody, so I and the other fast-walking people see you as a sort of "path finder" when we're heading the same way as you, and get into your "slipstream" as it were.

So when you see a group of friends up ahead of you, try something called deceleration. DON'T KEEP ON AT THE SAME PACE THEN STOP DEAD IN YOUR TRACKS AND LATCH ONTO ONE OF THEM.

2. To what seems like 90% of teenage guys (so don't bitch to me about gender-based discrimination, ladies.):

I'm not sure if you're all just very confused about who's leading the group, and are all trying to hang back to see who's in the lead, or if you feel more secure when you look to your side and see several other people going along with you. I honestly don't care what it is.

STOP CREATING HUMAN WALLS YOU TOOLS. I'm tempted to drive a car into these lines of idiocy whenever I come across them.

3. To people who have mobile phones out while walking:

If you're the kind of person who talks on the phone while walking, and doesn't stumble around in a circle, eyes to the floor, feigning obliviousness, you don't annoy me. If you are someone who does the stumble around thing, grow a brain.

If you're the kind of person who text messages people while walking, or just pretends to for an excuse to walk blindly in a straight line and hope people realize "Oh, they're using their phone. They have to concentrate I guess.", GO AND GET ANALLY DESTROYED BY A HERD OF RABID ANTELOPES.

THAT ARE ON FIRE.

One of these days, I'm going to grab one of these obnoxious failures of humanity and put them in the fetal position. Only it will be backwards. Yep. Knees up, elbows bent, curled up into a ball-ish shape, BEHIND YOUR BACK.

4. To the lady who today asked me if I'd like to get my baby's photo taken:

There are so many things wrong with that offer I don't even know where to start.

5. To people who walk determinedly in one direction then, without warning (or even stopping), do a full 180 spin and keep right on walking:

I now wear a vest that fire a series of small metal spikes outward if I'm hit in the chest with enough force. You have been warned.

And now it's 12:40am. I have school in 8 hours...

Screw you guys, I'ma going t'sleep.

- Squirrel245

"You're gonna just let that guy beat up on your woman? Doesn't that like... go against your jockey man-code or something?"

- Hair Flicking Goth Kid

Delusions of Eccentricity

Prologogogue

I recently read one of - no, don't panic just because I read something just - no, don't call the cops, my Satan Cannon is fully operational, and I'm not afraid to use it on them.

Anywho, I recently read one of the far superior blogs that are brought forth by my friend Chris. Click that link repeatedly, as the stuff he writes is a lot more intellimectually stumipulating than the purile shit you're reading now.

The post in question talked about how some people on the internet put up lists of who their friends are, and a series of descriptions that all seem to go along the lines of "I love this person to death. And if they were cool with it... afterwards too."

The point of it was (I think) that people should stop writing that kind of crap about their friends, because only the friends will think "aww... isn't that sickening.", and that everyone else who sees these lists just thinks "I don't know these people are... and I don't care either."

I nodded at my screen in agreement, then similar thoughts occured to me about how many people on the internet think that the stuff they post makes them unique somehow.

Before I start this rant, let me assure you, and your elbows, that I'm aware of the fact that this blog and everything on it isn't unique either.

Bitching about stuff has been around since forever, terrible attempts at drawing have been around since caveman times at least, and randomness has been around since some higher power decided to invent the horse. There's nothing here that hasn't been done a million times before, and done a lot better than this crap too.

Now that that's out of the way... Begin the ranting!


Pointless Heading

These sort of things are usually found on social networking sites, or anything else with a "profile" section on it somewhere. Anywhere that people have an opportunity to describe themselves really.

Back when I was roped into using that abominable pit of lies that is Bebo, I saw this kind of thing a lot. Here's some of the more common attempts at proving uniqueness that I noticed, which I will now pick to pieces.


"blah blah blah I'm crazy blah blah blah..."

Crazy huh?
So... you run around screaming occasionally?
Get completely shitfaced and sing at the top of your lungs til the contents of your stomach come flying out of your mouth like a mini tsunami?
Set things on fire?

Wow, you're right, you're a pretty crazy perso - NO. SHUT UP.
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. YOU ARE HUMAN.

Let me tell you something.

Crazy is one of the poor words who are victims of overuse, often in inappropriate situations. It sits in a hospital ward somewhere crying to itself, and regularly attends a support group with Fuck, Hate, and Love. It gives its sympathies to Shit, LOL, Cunt, and Epic, who were recently admitted to the hospital under similar circumstances.

In the same way that Hate is now used to express mild dislike, Crazy is more often than not used to describe the actions of people who are merely hyper, instead of the actions of people under the impression that having sex with a coffee grinder is a sane thing to do.

Everyone gets hyper sometimes. This doesn't mean you're crazy.


"blah blah blah I don't care what anyone else thinks of me blah blah blah..."

Bullshit you don't.

What you're actually trying to convey is closer to "I don't care if you don't like me and launch a barrage of verbal abuse at me because of this", because I'm pretty sure you'll lap up any compliments like a dehydrated dog who's found a giant bowl of water.

So who else ignores insults and accepts compliments? Thats right, people with brains.
I think there's still a few thousand of them left on this planet - OHHHH wait... you were trying to be unique weren't you?

Sorry to burst your bubble.


"blah blah blah be yourself/being myself blah blah blah..."

This is usually found pinned to the bottom of a teenage girl's bebo/facebook/myspace profile in a weak attempt to show that the person is in fact an individual, instead of a clone. It tries to combat the overwhelmingly familiar contents of the rest of the profile page, which can be seen in an additional 12 or more different colour schemes if you check the "friends list".

It's like going to a bar, drinking til you can't see past your nose, then stubbornly claiming you're against the consumption of alcohol.

It's fun to laugh at these people.



Here's something for you to think about:

If the people I've mentioned above are what mainstream society is composed of, and "mainstream" basically means "the majority", what does that say about people in general?



- Squirrel245


"Lets go get some hookers and ICE C-C-CREAM!!!"

- Dr. Rockso the Rock 'n' Roll Clown

That's like, revolting.

Alright, I'm blogging from school, so I'm sure if this will work or not, but I had to blog before my disgust wore off.

At recess today, I went to Woolies to buy a drink. As I was heading for the checkouts I passed the section with the magazines in them. I picked up a Top Gear magazine, then my eyes drifted to the overly pink and gay looking magazine beside it: Girlfriend.

I'd like to share with you all some of the headings that were on the front cover. You have my word that they have not been changed at all. These are the headings exactly as I saw them:

"How to get the guy that will get you the grades"

"How to sound, like, smart"

"New flirting tips!"

"Miley: The $25 million girl"

For shame.

FOR. SHAME.

I can't remember any more of these gut-wrenching article names, and I'm honestly grateful for that. If it was possible to vomit out of your eyes, Woolies would have had one hell of a clean-up job to do.

- Squirrel245

"Sucky sucky, ten dorrah!"

- Cartman the Vietnamese Prostitute

Mewtilation

Just popping out of the Squirrel cave briefly to waste space on YouTube's servers.

Last night, at exactly... last night... pm... I finished a rough version of what will be the first scene in Pokémutilation. I figure posting it won't really spoil anything, and seeing as the total number of people who will see the finished product is probably a number that rhymes with "hero", I don't see the point of keeping anything secret.

So without much more ado, here's the first scene, with some words stuck on the end to make it into essentially another trailer.

SOME SHIT YOU SHOULD KNOW BEFORE WATCHING:

- The voices sound subdued because the voices in the actual scene are subdued
- Possibly homosexual British scientists are hard to voice act... but he dies, so no biggie.
- Turn your speakers up. This bitch is mostly quiet. The rest of it will be louder.

All voices by my mouth... and some audio editing software.






- Squirrel245


"Kids, I need to tell you something you might find shocking... I'm gay."

"...Again?"

- Ms. Garrison and Stan Marsh

Pokémutilation

I'm a fan of parodies.

One of the many breeds of parody that I've been lolling at for a while now is fan-dubbing, two examples of which are Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series, and Alternate Reality Dragonball Z. It was only a matter of time before I started thinking to myself:

"Me too."

BUT FIRST... a backstory.

When I was 15, one of my friends threw a 2 night party. It involved several TVs, limited floorspace, a table covered in computers, and various Xboxes doing the horizontal mosh-pit with one another.

On the first night, as our supplies of energy were depleting like the functionality of the kidneys of a 134 year old, we started to think "Movie, then bed."

"Which movie though?" we thought. Through some bizarre voting (which I suspect was rigged somehow), it was decided that the movie we'd pass out while pretending to watch would be Pokémon: Mewtwo Strikes Back.

To this day I still don't understand why they wanted to watch that movie. Maybe it was for nostalgia, or the "act half your age" mentality that all of us had back then, but for whatever reason the movie was downloaded and began playing on the very small screen, much to my confusion.

Now being the uncaring asshole that I am, I gave a running commentary throughout the movie, changing it from a kid-friendly romp through Japanese mind control techniques to a profane, overtly sexual abomination that completely destroyed the overall effect of the film.

Billions years have passed, and I've decided to actually dub the fucking movie as opposed to simply ruin it for the people I'm sitting with. That way, people will be able to pick:

"Do we want the real movie or do we want... that version?"



And to prove that I'm not just doing my usual "You know what would be cool? If I did this." thing and abandoning it days later, I made a teaser trailer as it were.

It'll only make sense to fans of the Legend of Zelda series, or people who've played enough of Ocarina of Time. But for those of you who don't understand it... Go and play it.

NOW.

That game is a masterpiece of yes and win.







- Squirrel245



"That's my bread and butter you're fucking with."

- Charles Ofdensen

Thortgy

Maybe its the several packets of sherbert that now reside in my stomach talking, but I've found myself drawn to that old question that you humans have been trying to answer since... ever. The one that, if asked constantly, can reduce any teacher to tears or cause them to snap and start gouging out your eyes with a ruler:


So I'm going to list the 5 questions that I'm trying to find answers for the most. The ones just won't shut up, and keep grabbing my attention like a 6-breasted Keira Knightley would.


1. Why is the word "fuckin" becoming the new word for "umm"?

2. Why do some people put body kits on cars gradually? Don't they realize that by driving around their partially pimped-ride with only 1 side skirt, 2 modified rims, and sub woofers the size of a rhino's ass, they're grabbing people's attention in the "look at that douchebag" sense?

3. Why do so many people take pride in having 10,752,534,958 myspace/bebo/facebook friends? It doesn't make them look popular... it makes them look like... friend-whores or something O_O

4. Why doesn't anyone have death metal as the "hold" music for their company's phone services?

5. Why do people think going to a party with a bunch of people you don't know, getting completely shit-faced, then waking up to find yourself in jail (or fertilized), makes for an awesome night?



I'll work them out someday, I'm sure.

If you haven't already hit the "back" button in your internet-look-at-window, here's a change of topic for you.

Recently one of my friends has taken an interest in that newfangled "Vlogging" thing. If you can't work out what vlogging is:

Vlogging = Video Blogging
You = Idiot

The concept of it is something that's intrigued me for several minutes. Don't worry, you don't have to call the national guard, I'm not going to start doing it, and here's why:

• The webcam that's buried away in some part of my house is of dubious quality at best
• It would be a waste of my voice
• Looking at my face has a similar effect to that Medusa chick from that ancient Greek legend. Although instead of turning to stone, you'll just spill your guts all over your keyboard, which will in turn electrocute and kill you, start a housefire that quickly becomes uncontrollable, setting neighbouring buildings on fire, spreading and spreading until "Global Warming" becomes the understatement of the decade.

But I did start thinking... What OTHER kinds of _log are there?

Plogging didn't sound to great, and Clogging sounded like something that would involve a lot of very cheesy pizza and several mind-bogglingly painful trips to the toilet, so that was out too.

Then it hit me. Twice.

FLOGGING

No, that doesn't involve me going into the street and beating the living shite out of people with a stick (I do that anyway), but instead:

Flogging = Flash Blogging


Now there's no way in hell that I'd Flog constantly. But the occasional sample of my nonsensical bullshit wrapped in a slightly more high-tech flashy coating would be an interesting thing to try, I'm sure.

Should I try it occasionally?


TELL MEH YER THOUGHTS!!!
And MAKE ME BROWNIES!!!



- Squirrel245



"Just a fucking joke,
No, its kinda not,
There's a little truth in
Every single shot."

- "Hatredy" by Dethklok