"Why no fall for my trick?"

Good aftermornevenight, class. I hope you got lots of sleep last night, because you won't get much tonight. I just leveled all of your houses so I can test my new environmentally friendly concept car. It runs on the feelings of loss you are now experiencing.

Anyway, todays subject for discussion (discussion in this case meaning "shut the fuck up and listen".) is internet ads.

The internet, for those of you who don't remember, is that thing you're using now. If you didn't skip that last sentence, please hurl yourself into a pit of horny walruses. And DON'T COME BACK.

Unless you're old and senile to the point that you're still praying your side will win the Second World War, you can probably agree that the internet is unbeatable when it comes to finding out what's going on, anywhere in the world. You don't even need someone to go and hide in every country and tap out some morse code every day. All you need is Google.

The internet is also a good source of entertainment. Video sharing sites, chat rooms, online games, websites dedicated solely to amassing the biggest collection of jokes they can... Hell, social networking can sometimes be fun too. Especially if you're a teenage girl. Don't try to contradict me, girls. You know it's true.

The point I'm feebly trying to make is that the internet is serious business. So serious in fact that anyone who's used it more than four times will be able to do it without blowing something up 99.9% of the time. They'll know their shit. They know how to internet.

With that in mind... or at least, on the screen... some internet ads confuse me. There's the standard ones that are clearly ads:


"Wintastic Car Insurance. Because you'll probably crash that thing."

"Looking for a job? Click here! We're like the jobs guide in your paper... but ELECTROMONICAL!"

"The new Nokia 6187382740947092834098013408. We just really like numbers."


These kind of ads are just an example of good marketing strategy. It's the internet for fuck's sake. That's like... 500 billion views of your ad per nanosecond. And that's at 3am.

The ads that confuse me are the ones that try to trick people into clicking them with false promises of money, a games console, or a night on a giant mattress with a battallion of sexy womens. When these kinds of ads first started showing up, I'll bet millions of people were duped. Then, after clicking, they realised "Oh. It's just a stupid ad.", and never fell for that particular ruse ever again. Maybe it took some people two or three times to realise this, but they got there in the end. And those who fell for it more than 5 times were simply turned into soilent green.

So why the hell are these kinds of ads still around? Are they hoping that some young and naive kid will click them on their first ever visit to the internet? Are they hoping some of the people in the "soilent green" category escaped their fate and are still browsing the internet?

I mean come on...

Do you really expect me to believe that I'm the 999,999th visitor to your website after seeing that ad fifteen times?

Who the hell out there would still think, even for a moment, that cutesurfergirl123 was an actual person? And even if she was, why the hell would she be talking to you in a chatbox that's appeared in the spot the "tickle the fat kid and win a crappy ringtone" game was a few minutes ago?

How many people do you seriously think there are who don't know that your "create your own avatar! pick eyes/clothes/hair/genital deformations" things are actually just one giant link?


You're on the internet. Which updates faster than time itself. You however, are living in e-historic times. Going against the flow. Holding back the progress of online mankind.

...

SERIOUSLY.

- Squirrel245


"Narwhals, narwhals,
swimming in the ocean,
causin' a commotion,
'cause they are so awesome."

- Narwhals!

Silly Mind Vomit Happy Omniblog No. 1

Oh, hello there internet. It's been a while huh? Long time no see and all that.

...My god you've gotten fat since I last saw you ANYWAY, The reason I haven't bloggerised for a few weeks isn't purely because of laziness. No, part of the reason why is because I've thought of something to blog about, then realized I would have said everything I'd have wanted to say in about 3 sentences, which just doesn't justify a blog post around here.

You heard me. Even this pitiful excuse for a blog has standards. Be silent, infidel.

So then I was watching some old Ask a Ninja podcasts on my iPod, when I came across a podcast where the ninja answered a good 15 or so questions, instead of doing his usual "1 question per episode" thing. The answers he gave for them were much shorter and much less involved than the answers he normally gives for the questions he gets.

He called this particular episode "Ninja Omnibus".

"That gives me an idea!" I thought to myself. "I could do a blog post where -"

If by this point, you still can't see where I'm going with this, put a light bulb in your mouth, stick your head in a microwave, set the microwave to "noodles", videotape the results, and send the video to your parents with the words "I'M A BIG KID NOW" scribbled across it with a green crayon.

And so, it is with great pleasure and mild intoxication that I present the first of what will surely be a couple of omnibus-type blogs, each containing 3 or more miniblogs, which I shall call:

SILLY MIND VOMIT HAPPY WORLD
OMNIBLOG NO.1

Miniblog 1
Subject: Them's Fightin' Woids!


You know what I like? Creative threats.

It may just be because I'm a sick, twisted, and generally horrible person, but I truly think that the creation (or just improvisation) of unusual, snappy, painful sounding and mental-image-spawning threats is an art form. Or at the very least, an amusing skill to have.

There's the threats that are completely absurd and couldn't possibly be followed through without having magic powers, like "I'm going to sodomize you with the Eiffel tower! AND I HAVEN'T DECIDED WHICH END WILL BE INSERTED FIRST!".

Then there's the threats which are actually possible to carry out, but are delivered in such a way and with such detail that they're much... Zazzier, like "I'm going to pry apart your ribcage with a crowbar then stick a cherry bomb in the wound!"

But there are also the threats that try to sound creative, and end up failing spectacularly. Either they're dragged out so long that anyone listening gets bored and kills the person making the threat, or they're just way too simplistic and boring.... or both.

"I'm going to punch you in the face, and then I'm going to kick you in the legs!"

"I'm going to run you over with my car until you're dead, find a way to bring people back from the dead, bring you back from the dead, shoot you until you're almost dead, then cover you in acid til you die, bring you back from the dead again, stab you until you're almost out of blood, then..." etc.

I'd ask people to leave some of their favourite creative threats in the comments section, but the only person who reads this anymore is the same person who writes it. So I'll use Google to find some later when I feel like lolling at them.

____________________________

Miniblog 2 Subject: I am a Fucking Snitch


It's a known fact that the police sometimes decide to crack down on speeding when they've noticed that it's become a serious problem in a certain area. They send giant battalions of patrol cars, pursuit vehicles, tanks, gunships, and Vikings riding T-Rexes to this location and enforce the hell out of the speed limit until the people start to tremble in fear about going down a hill, because of the possibility that gravity may tip them over the limit for even a split second.

I thoroughly support these kind of anti-speeding blitzkrieg operations. They make the road safer, the lights on the cars look awesome (flashy light fun happy make!), and they actively fight the overwhelming stupidity of the human race. Unfortunately you don't really see many of these crack downs. Most people will tell you that they're reserving their man power and cars for murders, rapes, robberies, and reports of people watching Big Brother.

I think they're just not sure where to look for hotspots of driver-based idiocy. So today, a very rare thing will take place. I'm going to be a good little vegemite and tell on the bad people.

In fact, using highly sophisticated mapping technology (*COUGH*googlemaps*COUGH*) and hours of observing and plotting areas of concern, I am able to present the Australian Federal Police with a detailed map that displays each individual area I feel is worthy of their attention.

If you will kindly direct your eyes or scroll wheel downward...

____________________________

Miniblog 3 Subject: OH SHIT! FANGIRLS!


There's a long list of shows, bands, books, movies, characters, etc. that have developed armies of rabid fangirls who enthusiastically support anything and everything about them. If you're unsure about what I mean when I say "rabid fangirls", Frank West and his zombie friends volunteered to create a visual aid to make explaining it a lot easier.

The zombies represent rabid fangirls, and Frank West represents the object of the rabid fangirls' deification. The zombies really did their homework on rabid fangirls before they got together with Frank to create this shot:



For the most part, I've been Switzerland about rabid fangirls. My opinion has basically been "That's kinda pathetic, but whatever, there are more annoying groups of people on this planet."

So anyway, a movie based on a book came out recently, and there were rabid fangirls attached to both. Yeah, I heard that exasperated sigh from here, and I fucking agree.

I hadn't heard about the books until the ads for the movie started invading every single webpage I decided to visit. Now after finishing the quick wikipedia search I did out of confusion, I came to the conclusion that I personally hate Twilight for it's pussification of vampires, but decided to just ignore it and let it and its rabid fangirls pass into mercifully distant memory.

Then a couple of weeks later, I start seeing threads appear in some of the forums I visit entitled things like "Holy shit... twitard rage" or something similar. I thought they'd just be posts complaining about the unwavering support for the books that seemed to have swept the female teenage population of the western world.

But no. These threads were about rabid Twilight fangirls who had actually attacked someone because they said something like "I hate Twilight". Crazed teenage bitches who'd thrown bricks at people, or attempted to put their eyes out with a pencil for not liking Twilight. I've only heard of this kind of extremism coming from Twilight fangirls, but I'm sure as humanity gets stupider and more decadent, there will be many more incidents like this involving some new object of "worship".

I am only going to say this once, so if you're a rabid-fangirlism prone teenager then listen the fuck up. I may detest mankind as a whole and not give a rat's ass about strangers, but if I ever see one of you attacking someone because they don't idolize the same things you do, I will drag your ass to a dark, secluded place and, using you as the example, demonstrate just how much bodily harm someone can endure before they die.

You crazy bitches.

____________________________

Well that's it for this omniblog. It feels good to be able to get a bunch of stuff I wanted to say that was unworthy of a blog post off my e-chest. It's almost therapeutic really.

Now if you'll excuse me, a very old and very nostalgia-ridden game is sitting on my hard drive that yearns to be played. And even if you won't excuse me,
FUCK YOU IT'S DELUXE GALAGA TIME!



- Squirrel245



"...You want your Grey's Anatomy back Kenny?"

- Stan Marsh

Signs of Life

Check it.

I have actual proof that I'm not just sitting around eating fast food all day.

...Huh. It seems you've alarmed him.

Before I return to making him move and kill stuff, there's some things I'd like to say about the people who only just have enough brain power to walk around a shopping centre:

1. To what seems like 90% of teenage girls:

Here's how walking near you works. You generally have a quick pace, and never yield to anybody, so I and the other fast-walking people see you as a sort of "path finder" when we're heading the same way as you, and get into your "slipstream" as it were.

So when you see a group of friends up ahead of you, try something called deceleration. DON'T KEEP ON AT THE SAME PACE THEN STOP DEAD IN YOUR TRACKS AND LATCH ONTO ONE OF THEM.

2. To what seems like 90% of teenage guys (so don't bitch to me about gender-based discrimination, ladies.):

I'm not sure if you're all just very confused about who's leading the group, and are all trying to hang back to see who's in the lead, or if you feel more secure when you look to your side and see several other people going along with you. I honestly don't care what it is.

STOP CREATING HUMAN WALLS YOU TOOLS. I'm tempted to drive a car into these lines of idiocy whenever I come across them.

3. To people who have mobile phones out while walking:

If you're the kind of person who talks on the phone while walking, and doesn't stumble around in a circle, eyes to the floor, feigning obliviousness, you don't annoy me. If you are someone who does the stumble around thing, grow a brain.

If you're the kind of person who text messages people while walking, or just pretends to for an excuse to walk blindly in a straight line and hope people realize "Oh, they're using their phone. They have to concentrate I guess.", GO AND GET ANALLY DESTROYED BY A HERD OF RABID ANTELOPES.

THAT ARE ON FIRE.

One of these days, I'm going to grab one of these obnoxious failures of humanity and put them in the fetal position. Only it will be backwards. Yep. Knees up, elbows bent, curled up into a ball-ish shape, BEHIND YOUR BACK.

4. To the lady who today asked me if I'd like to get my baby's photo taken:

There are so many things wrong with that offer I don't even know where to start.

5. To people who walk determinedly in one direction then, without warning (or even stopping), do a full 180 spin and keep right on walking:

I now wear a vest that fire a series of small metal spikes outward if I'm hit in the chest with enough force. You have been warned.

And now it's 12:40am. I have school in 8 hours...

Screw you guys, I'ma going t'sleep.

- Squirrel245

"You're gonna just let that guy beat up on your woman? Doesn't that like... go against your jockey man-code or something?"

- Hair Flicking Goth Kid

Delusions of Eccentricity

Prologogogue

I recently read one of - no, don't panic just because I read something just - no, don't call the cops, my Satan Cannon is fully operational, and I'm not afraid to use it on them.

Anywho, I recently read one of the far superior blogs that are brought forth by my friend Chris. Click that link repeatedly, as the stuff he writes is a lot more intellimectually stumipulating than the purile shit you're reading now.

The post in question talked about how some people on the internet put up lists of who their friends are, and a series of descriptions that all seem to go along the lines of "I love this person to death. And if they were cool with it... afterwards too."

The point of it was (I think) that people should stop writing that kind of crap about their friends, because only the friends will think "aww... isn't that sickening.", and that everyone else who sees these lists just thinks "I don't know these people are... and I don't care either."

I nodded at my screen in agreement, then similar thoughts occured to me about how many people on the internet think that the stuff they post makes them unique somehow.

Before I start this rant, let me assure you, and your elbows, that I'm aware of the fact that this blog and everything on it isn't unique either.

Bitching about stuff has been around since forever, terrible attempts at drawing have been around since caveman times at least, and randomness has been around since some higher power decided to invent the horse. There's nothing here that hasn't been done a million times before, and done a lot better than this crap too.

Now that that's out of the way... Begin the ranting!


Pointless Heading

These sort of things are usually found on social networking sites, or anything else with a "profile" section on it somewhere. Anywhere that people have an opportunity to describe themselves really.

Back when I was roped into using that abominable pit of lies that is Bebo, I saw this kind of thing a lot. Here's some of the more common attempts at proving uniqueness that I noticed, which I will now pick to pieces.


"blah blah blah I'm crazy blah blah blah..."

Crazy huh?
So... you run around screaming occasionally?
Get completely shitfaced and sing at the top of your lungs til the contents of your stomach come flying out of your mouth like a mini tsunami?
Set things on fire?

Wow, you're right, you're a pretty crazy perso - NO. SHUT UP.
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. YOU ARE HUMAN.

Let me tell you something.

Crazy is one of the poor words who are victims of overuse, often in inappropriate situations. It sits in a hospital ward somewhere crying to itself, and regularly attends a support group with Fuck, Hate, and Love. It gives its sympathies to Shit, LOL, Cunt, and Epic, who were recently admitted to the hospital under similar circumstances.

In the same way that Hate is now used to express mild dislike, Crazy is more often than not used to describe the actions of people who are merely hyper, instead of the actions of people under the impression that having sex with a coffee grinder is a sane thing to do.

Everyone gets hyper sometimes. This doesn't mean you're crazy.


"blah blah blah I don't care what anyone else thinks of me blah blah blah..."

Bullshit you don't.

What you're actually trying to convey is closer to "I don't care if you don't like me and launch a barrage of verbal abuse at me because of this", because I'm pretty sure you'll lap up any compliments like a dehydrated dog who's found a giant bowl of water.

So who else ignores insults and accepts compliments? Thats right, people with brains.
I think there's still a few thousand of them left on this planet - OHHHH wait... you were trying to be unique weren't you?

Sorry to burst your bubble.


"blah blah blah be yourself/being myself blah blah blah..."

This is usually found pinned to the bottom of a teenage girl's bebo/facebook/myspace profile in a weak attempt to show that the person is in fact an individual, instead of a clone. It tries to combat the overwhelmingly familiar contents of the rest of the profile page, which can be seen in an additional 12 or more different colour schemes if you check the "friends list".

It's like going to a bar, drinking til you can't see past your nose, then stubbornly claiming you're against the consumption of alcohol.

It's fun to laugh at these people.



Here's something for you to think about:

If the people I've mentioned above are what mainstream society is composed of, and "mainstream" basically means "the majority", what does that say about people in general?



- Squirrel245


"Lets go get some hookers and ICE C-C-CREAM!!!"

- Dr. Rockso the Rock 'n' Roll Clown

That's like, revolting.

Alright, I'm blogging from school, so I'm sure if this will work or not, but I had to blog before my disgust wore off.

At recess today, I went to Woolies to buy a drink. As I was heading for the checkouts I passed the section with the magazines in them. I picked up a Top Gear magazine, then my eyes drifted to the overly pink and gay looking magazine beside it: Girlfriend.

I'd like to share with you all some of the headings that were on the front cover. You have my word that they have not been changed at all. These are the headings exactly as I saw them:

"How to get the guy that will get you the grades"

"How to sound, like, smart"

"New flirting tips!"

"Miley: The $25 million girl"

For shame.

FOR. SHAME.

I can't remember any more of these gut-wrenching article names, and I'm honestly grateful for that. If it was possible to vomit out of your eyes, Woolies would have had one hell of a clean-up job to do.

- Squirrel245

"Sucky sucky, ten dorrah!"

- Cartman the Vietnamese Prostitute

"What, what, WHAAAAT?!"

So last night... or... very very early this morning if you want to be all technical about it... I was busy interneting ('cause that's what all the cool kids do) when I saw a flash ad. I've never seen it since, and I never want to see it again, but for those of you who don't have spy cameras embedded in my eyes I'll repeat what was on it.

It was something along the lines of:

"All of your favourite movie characters...

Are about to be DESTROYED!

DISASTER MOVIE: Defiling cinemas on some date that Squirrel245 can't remember"



Seconds after my eyes were scarred with this disturbing forecast of things to come, I imitated this:

Various thoughts and questions started running through my mind like a jet powered elephant in heat.

Why does this movie exist?

Where do those retards keep getting money to pump this kinda shit out into cinemas?

Why do they think anyone WATCHES "movie" movies after seeing the abominations that they released after Scary Movie 4?!


I thought I'd already LOST all of my faith in mankind. But nope, I was wrong. There was something still in there it seems.

But as soon as I saw that ad, that last morsel of faith jumped out of me and ran off into the distance shouting back "This is revolution!!!".

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stuff cherry bombs into watermelons then catapult them at stuff.

Because that's how I'm choosing to express my hatred for this movie.



- Squirrel245



"Daddy, everyone at school keeps teasing me about being born prematurely."

"You weren't born prematurely, son. You just survived the abortion."

- Cyanide and Happiness

noitulovE

Back when I was about 15 years old, I first heard that song "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls. I remember thinking to myself:

"Wow. This song sure is slutty." And my opinion never changed. No matter how many times I heard it, no matter how many times I started throwing things at the people who started playing it, I always thought that same thought.

3 years on, and I start seeing ads for someone who's released a song called "I Kissed A Girl (And I Liked It)". Again:

"Wow. This song sure is slutty. HOLY CRAP DE JA VU!"

After I finished running around waving my arms like that chick from Popeye in an earthquake (hey.. that's just how I react to De ja vu.), I realised that there was a trend here. And now I am 99% sure that as time goes by, songs get sluttier and sluttier. I wrote an equation for it too:

(.Y.) = T(C + 69)

(.Y.) = Boobs, here representing sluttiness
T = Time (in years) since the last widely acknowledged overly slutty song was released.
C = "Competitor's" sluttiness


After I punched myself for being such a nerd, I realized that slutty songs were just the tip of the ice...boob. I came to the conclusion that society as a whole was becoming gradually more and more sex-driven.

Now make no mistake, the idea of a society that's based on constant sexercising is not something I object to. Hell, I pray for the day! (although by the time society reaches that stage, I'll most likely be middle aged and impossibly lazy, or dead.)

But doesn't it seem like we're kind of... going backwards?

There's other signs too: people are becoming stupider, quite a few of them seem to be losing their ability to speak properly, Paris Hilton... you don't have to look far to see the evidence.

On the other, much more plausible hand, I'm an idiot.

But spare a moment to think about my rantings after you hear "My Vagina Is Too Empty (Please Help Me Fix This)" being played on the radio for the first time.



- Squirrel245



"There is nothing to fear but fear itself... AND VEGETA!"

- Vegeta (Alternate Reality Dragonball Z)

Computer Animals

Greeting, ye who stare at a monitor to the extent that they start to feel uncomfortable.

I've come to the internet today to bitch about computers.

BUT FIRST... some history. Gather round the flames of this brown paper bag full of something that doesn't smell quite right... and prepare to learnify.



Many moons ago, before Earth had finally made up its mind about what kind of moon it actually wanted, there lived a man named Gill Bates. One day, Gill Bates was sitting on a rock, throwing stones at passing black bears when he thought to himself:

"I should totally make like, a magic box. That'd be killer."

And so, after finding an empty box and buying a magic wand, he Voodoo-priested the shit out of said box until it started to hum, whirr, and beep. Satisfied, he went to sleep.

The next day however, he thought to himself:

"I should totally like, plug a TV into this thing. That'd be killer."

And so, after raiding a shopping centre, he got a TV and plugged it into his magic box. His eyes lit up when he saw what a masterpiece this wonderful unity of magic and... television was. The colours! The changing of the colours! The reverting of the colours back to their original colours!

But then he noticed something. While the TV was working just fine, the magic box wouldn't do anything. Using his incredible mindbrain, a lid from a jar of jam which clicked when pressed, and several kilograms of marijuana, Gill Bates created the first ever computer mouse. Later that night he got drunk, invented the alphabet, then put each individual letter on a separate button and nailed the buttons to a plank of wood. Thus, the first keyboard was created.

So he finally had tools with which he could control his invention, which he called a computer. Computer, in his native language, meant "trippy humming box". Unfortunately, the computer wouldn't do anything Gill Bates asked it to do. In fact it didn't do anything. But he was too tired to think of a way to fix it, so he went to sleep again.

The next day, he thought to himself:

"I should totally like, put a hamster and a spinning wheel in this "computer". That'd be killer."

And killer it was. Once the hamster started spinning on its little wheel, the computer started to do things.

Over the next several million years, Gill Bates' invention took the universe by storm. Soon, everyone had their own magic box with a spinning wheel in it, which was operated by some variety of animal.

FAST FORWARD ►►


...


PLAY ►

Present day. Computers still everywhere, still with various animals running on wheels.

Some people have hamsters in their computers. Some have dogs. Some have cats. There's a strange old man up the road who uses a fish somehow. The high end computers have cheetahs in them. The military-grade hyper computers of death have wheels that can spin by themselves.

MINE however, is very slow.

Fearing the kind of angry voodoo magic I may unleash if I actually open my computer, I'm not going to verify this theory. But I wouldn't be surprised if the animal inside my computer was...


A snail.
Which is dead,
encased in concrete,
and stuck in bullet time.

And to make things even harder for my snail to do its job, the wheel is probably square shaped, covered in anti-snail spikes, and drenched in superglue.

That gives you an idea of how mind bogglingly slow my magic box is. Between the time I hit the on switch and the time I log in, I receive an average of 3 birthday cakes, all with different numbers of candles on them.

In closing:

Dear computer,

SPEED THE FUCK UP!



Squirrel245



"What the fuck does WTF mean?"

- Some fool on the internet

Bardus Extremus

Current mood: Superior

...

Core body temperature: 36°C
Health status: Normal
Pants: On

As you can probably tell from the calender machine on this blog, it's been a while since I've come to this part of the internet that I've been assigned to and shared my thoughts.

That's partly because it's been a while since I've thought.

Now ONWARD! DOWN TO BEESWANKS!

I'd like you to meet my newest employee:

Fredge is my new Fail Monitor. His job is to look at life, the universe, and everything, and if he finds something that fails, he'll give it his Seal of Afail:

It's pretty simple. In fact it's beautifully simple. Dare I say it, it may even be super-mega-Keira-Knightley-sexy in its simplicity.

Here's some examples of how Fredge will do his job:


Example 1:

Person A: My cousin's boyfriend has a Skyline!

Person B: Oooo is that some kind of plane?

ATTENTION PERSON B!

Example 2:

Ditzy Bitch: Hi? I'm like, one of those people? Who can't actually say things? They can only ask things? Y'know?

ATTENTION DITZY BITCH!

Example 3:

TV: Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Big Brother!

ATTENTION TV VIEWER!

This won't be an easy job. There's a lot of fail out there that needs to be identified.

But if anyone's up to it, Fredge is. Or else I'll break his legs then cut his pay.


Squirrel245


"I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams. And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sound of my own screams... Do you think I'm unhappy?"

- Butters Stotch

You will be food, nothing more.

As I waddle, walk, run, jump, swim, drive, shoot, and bludgeon my way through life, I come to notice things about how society functions.

After enduring half a semester of year 12, I can predict the futures of many of the other sperm-and-ovum sandwiches in the school with something like nine-hundred-thousand-billion percent accuracy. Many of them will go on to get some kind of interesting job, like being a lawyer, fighter pilot, chef, or barstool.

But then there's the rest of the class. The ones who seem to have forgotten that college isn't actually mandatory in this part of Australia-town and determinedly rebel at every opportunity. The ones who had their parents pay to put them through brainwashing camp because "I want to make something of myself!", only to decide that "No! This isn't fair! Working is for people who think gutters aren't nice places to sleep!"

Which is essentially like buying a bus concession card a few days ahead of your planned bus ride, and when the bus pulls up, you pull down your pants, shit in your hand and throw it at the driver yelling "FUCK YOU MAN! I'M NOT CONFORMING TO YOUR RULES!"

At first I thought these people were in the class merely to show us what we could become if we fucked around in class (and to occasionally yell stuff like "SHADDAP SEH!!! FACK YEW SEH!!!"), but after a rigorous session of thinking I realised they had a much more long-term purpose.

You see, my eyeball-having organism, these people are going to become the first run of soilent green.

It makes quite a bit of sense-pie really: They don't have the mental capacity to use the big-boy toilets, so why use them for anything else besides food?

By this illogic, I can safely say that the next generation of meat-sacks with any hope of a future will be very well fed.

Now who the hell are you, give me all your money, and get out of my house.


Squirrel245


"It's your one-way ticket to midnight,
Call it Heavy Metal!"

- "Heavy Metal" by Sammy Hagar

This website stole my blogging virginity!

So...

We meet again, internet. It's time for round 8.


NOW THEN.

If you're reading this, you're probably wondering, "Why am I reading this?"
The answer is:
You shouldn't be. This is the first in a series of nonsensical blocks of text disguised as blogs.
If you continue to read this blog, you will eventually begin smoking your own feet and trying to initiate phone sex with whoever's working the the drive through at McDonalds.

For those of you who do decide to absorb the bloggy juices with your eyes, welcome to the gorilla sanctuary!

Now apparently these things have a "leave comment" option, which will allow you to fire a barrage of textual rage at the blog that STOLE YOUR LIFE, so feel free to start signing the petitions to get me evicted from the internet.

Asta Pronto!


Squirrel245

"This is an example of a quote. In future blogs, this part of the post will have been invaded by a quote I find awesome and/or hilarious."

- Squirrel245