Saints Row 2 Un-Review

NOTE: If you've come here for an actual, sensible review of Saints Row 2, click the "back" button IMMEDIATELY. This isn't even a review. In fact, the only reason the word "review" is in the title of this blog is because Squirrel245 couldn't think of any other way to describe it. It's more of a "Look at this. LOLOLOLOL." type of thing.

_______________________________________________________

So I've been playing Saints Row 2 quite a lot lately, which has been the source of much amusement. Because of it's unique ability to entertain me for more than 28 consecutive minutes, I decided to take a break from my normal thing (kudos to anyone who knows what my normal thing is, cos I sure as hell don't), and write an alcohol fueled block of text about it.

Brace yourselves, I don't know where this is going.

For those of you who haven't played this game, I'll give a not-so-quick and questionably factual summary of what Saints Row 2 is about.


The game starts up in the medical ward of an offshore prison. As the camera sweeps through the place, you are shown your character. In their current state, your character is a comatose vegetable who's been dressed up like an Egyptian mummy; apparently prior to being put into prison, your character was unfortunate (or stupid) enough to get on board an exploding boat. I never played the story part of the original Saints Row, so I wouldn't know.

You know how you sometimes hear in books, movies, or the news, about people who have been burned in horrible explosions and are rendered unrecognizable? Saints Row 2 takes that to a whole new level.

The camera zooms in on the bundle of bandages that is your head, while a nurse starts to remove them. The bitch must have spent 30-ish years getting those bandages off, because while she's doing that, you're taken to a menu in which you can change many, many things about your character. These include the colour and style of your hair, your ethnicity, and if you have tits or a penis.

After this quick self-reconstruction, a wounded teen named Carlos is placed in the next bed over, claiming to have let himself get stabbed in order to speak to you, the famous leader of the now non-existent 3rd Street Saints gang. His mouth moves for a while and words come out of it, then your character decides:

"THIS PLACE SUCKS! I'm leaving."

At this point you make a stealthy and cunning escape by heading straight to the exit while brutally murdering everything that moves with your bare fists. Carlos follows you, but wisely keeps out of your "complete and utter destruction" space. You both nick a boat and head for the mainland, bringing down a couple of police helicopters, traffic reporters, and pigeons in the process.

When you get out of your boat, your character notices that Carlos is speaking again, and this time he listens. Carlos tells you that after you got on the bomb-cruise and were blown halfway to hell, 3 different gangs spontaneously appeared. This causes the other members of your gang to either become arrested or turn into pussies and disassociate themselves from your purple-clad posse.

Your mission becomes obvious: Commit random acts of violence against these three gangs, kill then piss on their leaders, and go round to any suburbs they've taken over and tell them
"NO YOU CAN'T HAS!" until the city is once again yours.

So that's the storyline in a nutshell, but what about the actual game?



EYE FOOD a.k.a. GRAPHICS

The graphics in this game are amazing. The citizens of Stillwater all have four fingers and two thumbs, cars and trucks look like cars and trucks, the sun blinds you if you're stupid enough to look directly at it, and a satisfyingly excessive amount of blood spurts semi-realistically from people who get in the way of your bullets. There's also an ocean, possibly made out of jelly that hasn't quite set yet.

There's also options in the game to get drunk or high, which affect how your character perceives the world. The amount of change in the way you see things depends on how much of a piss head your character is, but each change makes driving high speed vehicles twice as challenging, twice as hilarious, and also twice as fatal... for everyone who isn't you.

Last but not least, did someone say BRIGHTNESS AND GAMMA CONTROL OPTION?



PEOPLE AROUND YOU a.k.a. ARTIFICIAL INSEMINA - I mean INTELLIGENCE

The people of Stillwater wander around the city like zombies, often carrying newspapers or mobile phones. They will pull you out of your car in a feeble attempt to kill you, should you look at them funny. Fifty percent of the time, they will be walking on the sidewalk. The rest of the time they will be stumbling blindly into the road, eyes glued to a phone or a particularly attractive light pole on the other side of the road, and will expect any road users to wait for them.

Should you drive too fast near one, whether they are in the middle of the road, or on the sidewalk, they will scream and throw themselves into the path of the oncoming vehicle. The ones who have been allowed to drive do so with minimal regard for the road rules, and sometimes abandon the road entirely, speeding away across a park or through a building until they die upon hitting something thicker than they are.

It's for the above reasons that I award Saints Row 2 the "Most Realistic Simulation of Average Human Intelligence" award.

The other members of your gang are just as fascinating, thanks to their more aggressive disposition. Often you will see one of them going for a stroll, minding their own business, when suddenly a random citizen will assault them, completely unprovoked. As the confused gang member recovers from the first blow and gets to his feet, he raises his head to see that several cars have run off the road, his companions have emerged from within them, and are currently beating the shit out of the assailant with bats, knives, crowbars, or AK-47's.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of this kind of random abuse from people, your gang members will immediately (and violently) come to your aid, then enthusiastically run over the crippled body of your attacker for their own amusement.



HOW TO MAKE SHIT HAPPEN a.k.a. GAMEPLAY

Aside from a few basics (this control stick makes you run, the other control stick changes the camera angle, this trigger makes you hurt people etc.), it seems that most of the games controls were drawn out of a hat when it came to assigning them a button. It doesn't take long for the control scheme to start to feel semi-natural, but during that time it feels like you've just been asked to ride a tyrannosaurus down a busy highway during an earthquake and a hurricane.
"WTF HOW?!"

After a few minutes of playing Saints Row 2, you will come to the conclusion that your character is either an undercover alien from the planet Superior, or the Hulk's less gifted cousin. Right from the word go, you can pick up things like fire hydrants and street signs, then hurl them at people with the force of a small bullet train. Your character also takes the phrase "time heals all wounds" very seriously.

"Oh shit! Someone get help! Our gang leader has suffered bullet wounds in his everywhere!"
"Just gimme 20 seconds, I'll be fine."

There is also a substantial amount of weird shit you can do that actually has benefits. Jump on a car roof as it's driving away, and the game will let you launch a mini-game which gives you "respect" if you can stay on while the terrified human at the wheel tries to throw you off. Should you feel the urge to throw someone off a bridge, the game will laugh and award you points depending on how far the helpless fucker falls. Point a gun at someone for a few seconds, and they'll shit themselves and drop their wallets. Unless they're a cop... Cops have no sense of humour in this game.

The missions you do and the cutscenes that are stuck in between them make you wonder "What the FUCK were these people smoking?", and make you want to continue playing, if only to see what else became of their drug fuelled game creating... spree.



IN-KEN-CLUE-SHIN

If you are a lazy, deadbeat parent who dreams of their child someday getting into that most exclusive of educational facilities known as jail, this is the game for you to use as a substitute for actual parenting. It will teach your little mistake many vital life lessons, such as:

1. Throwing yourself into traffic in the pursuit of committing insurance fraud will, in reality, leave you no worse for wear.
2. If one of your friends should become incapacitated in some way, they will jump right back up if you give them some booze.
3. The police will only notice you're acting inappropriately after you've killed three people.
4. If you can get into the driver's seat of any type of vehicle, you are legally permitted to operate it.
5. Be careful when driving at high speeds on highways; cars may materialize within metres of you at any given moment.

To everyone else, Saints Row 2 is both an amusing game and an easy way to confuse yourself, alone or with friends.




Graphics: 7/10 Badgers.

Sound: 9/10 Lols.

AI: 27/100 IQ points.

Realism: 8/8 points of realism avoided successfully.

Gameplay: 9/10 WTFs.

The Ronin: Suck.

Overall: ROFLCAEKS.

_______________________________________________________

And with that, I'm off. This room is too bright for 12:25am.



- Squirrel245



"He's not, the only one, who can sing, from his heart,
I have feelings inside, and - aww, FUCK THIS SHIT."

- Spanky Ham

The Snowball Effect (!WARNING!: RETARDED)

Attention mindless human spawn of the world!

I'm here to show you a good example of what happens when i get bored.


Click here to see the effects of the boredom.

..........
..........
..........
..........

Not-so-seriously though, here's what happens when I'm bored, I'm also in a 3-way conversation on MSN with a couple of my friends, and they are bored too.

On this particular occasion, we had been chatting merrily for about half an hour, when we suddenly became bored and fell silent as we searched our computers and the internet for some form of entertainment. After this failed, one of us said a random word in the hopes that it would spark some sort of conversation. That word was "pants".

THE COMBATANTS:

Christopher. - The one who would bring about an apocalypse of mental death with his utterance of the word "pants".

SPLastic ● надежда - Was creating a small town with the Far Cry 2 Map Editor at the time. Occasionally switched back to the convo and was understandably confused each time.

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} - Yours truly.


So here's what happened, beginning with "pants":







Christopher. says (10:44 PM):
pants

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:45 PM):
fish pants

Christopher. says (10:45 PM):
fish testicle pants

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:45 PM):
fish testicle automator pants

Christopher. says (10:46 PM):
fish testicle automator firing pants

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:46 PM):
6 litre fish testicle automator firing pants

Christopher. says (10:47 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:47 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter

Christopher. says (10:49 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of juice

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:49 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum juice

Christopher. says (10:49 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:50 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured tampon

SPLastic ● надежда says (10:50 PM):
well

SPLastic ● надежда says (10:51 PM):
clearly i missed a lot while i brushed my teeth

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:51 PM):
you did indeed

Christopher. says (10:51 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured tampon cake

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:51 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured tampon cake stall

Christopher. says (10:52 PM):
6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall

SPLastic ● надежда says (10:52 PM):
so it's a stall that sells six litre cakes that have the texture of tampons and can absorb a lot of blood, and have a very strange flavour.

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:52 PM):
and it changes with every message

SPLastic ● надежда says (10:52 PM):
and chris just released their expensive range

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:53 PM):
stale 6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall

Christopher. says (10:53 PM):
stale 6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall cat

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:53 PM):
stale 6 litre beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall cat urine

Christopher. says (10:56 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall cat urine

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:57 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous cat urine

Christopher. says (10:58 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous cat urine neurotoxin

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:58 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous cat urine neurotoxin waffles

Christopher. says (10:59 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous cat urine neurotoxin doom waffles

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (10:59 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom waffles

Christopher. says (11:00 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:00 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of gondor

Christopher. says (11:01 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:01 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor factory

SPLastic ● надежда says (11:01 PM):
jesus christ

Christopher. says (11:01 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s tank factory

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:02 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s goat tank factory

Christopher. says (11:02 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s goat-milk tank factory

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:03 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s infected goat-milk tank factory

Christopher. says (11:03 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s infected goat-milk nitrogen tank factory

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:03 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s infected goat-milk nitrogen AIDS tank factory

Christopher. says (11:04 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive syphillus tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s infected goat-milk nitrogen AIDS tank factory

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:04 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive syphillus tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s infected menstrual goat-milk nitrogen AIDS tank factory

Christopher. says (11:05 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive syphillus tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s infected menstrual goat-milk nitrogen AIDS tank factory exhaust

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:05 PM):
stale 6 litre gregarious beer fish testicle automator firing pants emitter of ovum berry juice flavoured expensive syphillus tampon cake stall deciduous satan cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles of aragorn’s gondor’s infected menstrual goat-milk nitrogen AIDS tank factory exhaust gorilla

Christopher. says (11:06 PM):
...

Christopher. says (11:06 PM):
what have we even constructed?

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:06 PM):
the brain destroyer

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:06 PM):
like a tongue twister for the mind

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:06 PM):
but actually fatal

Christopher. says (11:06 PM):
...i have to work this out...

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:07 PM):
i gave up on that

Christopher. says (11:09 PM):
so its a stale lot of beer...that hangs around in packs...with fish testicle pants that automatically fires/emits ovum berry juice flavoured syphillius tampon cake stalls...made of “deciduous cat urine neurotoxin doom cheese waffles” made in “aragorn’s gondor’s infected menstrual goat-milk nitrogen AIDS tank factory” by an exhaust “gorilla”

..:::ДŊĞ®¥:::§qỮ!ЯѓεŁ:::.. - {Misanthropic} says (11:09 PM):
pretty much

THE END

So there you have it.
Boredom³.

Hopefully I'll find some way of relieving that boredom soon. For now, I'm going to go fill a firetruck with mayonnaise and drive around hosing things down with it.



- Squirrel245



"Mother tries to comfort me, she says:
"Here son, have some Eggnog."
But I fucking hate Eggnog, seriously. "

- "Swiss Colony Beef Log" by Eric Cartman

Winners don't use drugs. They just break the legs of every other competitor.

Choose-day, Novembah Eighteenth, Two Thowsand and Eight.

At shix-thirty pm, at "The Kussy's" film feshtival, an animation ish due to be shown to the mashes.

That animation was finished at two-forty five pm that shame afternoon.

The creator shays that in the lasht few daysh of thish procesh, he was really getting an idea of what it musht be like working on a Shouth Park epishode.

When ashked what he wash going to do neksht, he held up a cashe of beer and shaid he was going to shpend shome time with shomeone who he couldn't pay much attention to during the animation procesh: his Xbox Three Shixty.

The animation can now be sheen on YouTube, for anyone who is curioush about what the audiensh was shubjected to.

We'll have no more on thish story, even after shobriety kicks in, we've been told.

- Cecil the Sean Connery Tree

Signs of Life

Check it.

I have actual proof that I'm not just sitting around eating fast food all day.

...Huh. It seems you've alarmed him.

Before I return to making him move and kill stuff, there's some things I'd like to say about the people who only just have enough brain power to walk around a shopping centre:

1. To what seems like 90% of teenage girls:

Here's how walking near you works. You generally have a quick pace, and never yield to anybody, so I and the other fast-walking people see you as a sort of "path finder" when we're heading the same way as you, and get into your "slipstream" as it were.

So when you see a group of friends up ahead of you, try something called deceleration. DON'T KEEP ON AT THE SAME PACE THEN STOP DEAD IN YOUR TRACKS AND LATCH ONTO ONE OF THEM.

2. To what seems like 90% of teenage guys (so don't bitch to me about gender-based discrimination, ladies.):

I'm not sure if you're all just very confused about who's leading the group, and are all trying to hang back to see who's in the lead, or if you feel more secure when you look to your side and see several other people going along with you. I honestly don't care what it is.

STOP CREATING HUMAN WALLS YOU TOOLS. I'm tempted to drive a car into these lines of idiocy whenever I come across them.

3. To people who have mobile phones out while walking:

If you're the kind of person who talks on the phone while walking, and doesn't stumble around in a circle, eyes to the floor, feigning obliviousness, you don't annoy me. If you are someone who does the stumble around thing, grow a brain.

If you're the kind of person who text messages people while walking, or just pretends to for an excuse to walk blindly in a straight line and hope people realize "Oh, they're using their phone. They have to concentrate I guess.", GO AND GET ANALLY DESTROYED BY A HERD OF RABID ANTELOPES.

THAT ARE ON FIRE.

One of these days, I'm going to grab one of these obnoxious failures of humanity and put them in the fetal position. Only it will be backwards. Yep. Knees up, elbows bent, curled up into a ball-ish shape, BEHIND YOUR BACK.

4. To the lady who today asked me if I'd like to get my baby's photo taken:

There are so many things wrong with that offer I don't even know where to start.

5. To people who walk determinedly in one direction then, without warning (or even stopping), do a full 180 spin and keep right on walking:

I now wear a vest that fire a series of small metal spikes outward if I'm hit in the chest with enough force. You have been warned.

And now it's 12:40am. I have school in 8 hours...

Screw you guys, I'ma going t'sleep.

- Squirrel245

"You're gonna just let that guy beat up on your woman? Doesn't that like... go against your jockey man-code or something?"

- Hair Flicking Goth Kid

Leisure-cide. BHYER!

As you've probably guessed by now, I'm currently at college. It's not the type of college the rest of the world would associate the word with, but rather the last 2 years of high school, separated from the other years, possibly so we don't kill the younger students.

I'm in a Media class, and for this final semester we were told to create something film related. Anything at all, so long as the teacher approves and no-one important dies in the process of making it.

The teacher had often noticed me making indescribable oddities in Flash instead of working, so she said I could do mine as a flash cartoon if I wanted to.

"Well I'll be a partially decaying corpse fired out of a T-17 straight at a day care centre. That's a great idea!" I said* straightaway.

I know how to make shit move in flash, make no mistake. But what I told my teacher to expect as a final result was a little over-ambitious, now that I think about it.

I'll put it in human-talk for y'all:

Each frame will have a moderate amount of detail in it, and most of them will be different (this thing will be presented at a mini-film festival, so I can't just copy the frames to fill up time). The cartoon itself plays at 24 frames per second, about the standard you'd see on most TV shows (I think).

I'm aiming to make it run for at least 5 minutes.

5 minutes = 5 x 60 seconds = 300 seconds

24 frames per second x 300 seconds = 7200 frames.

It's due in about 6 weeks time.

That
+
the laziness that envelopes my very being
=

This bitch is going to eat up all of my time. Kill what's left of my social life. Wake me up at strange hours of the night and fill me with worry.
I can't ignore her either; the consequences of that would be dire.

AMIRITE FELLAS? *high five*

Seriously though, I won't be posting again on here until I've finished it off. Don't be depressed; this is a time for healing. The 3 or so people who read this will have one less thing to throw up about for a little while.

Look to my coming, on the first light of the fifty-fifth day. At dawn, look to the east.

Then think to yourself "why the fuck am I up at this hour?"

And now I charge away into the night, hoping the lack of sunlight won't make me run into a tree or off a cliff.


FOR GONDOR!

FOR INDY!

AND THE SEVENTEEN CASES OF BEER THAT AWAIT ME AT THE END!!!



- Squirrel245



"Some wars must be fought alone."

- "Supremacy of Self" by Hatebreed

Delusions of Eccentricity

Prologogogue

I recently read one of - no, don't panic just because I read something just - no, don't call the cops, my Satan Cannon is fully operational, and I'm not afraid to use it on them.

Anywho, I recently read one of the far superior blogs that are brought forth by my friend Chris. Click that link repeatedly, as the stuff he writes is a lot more intellimectually stumipulating than the purile shit you're reading now.

The post in question talked about how some people on the internet put up lists of who their friends are, and a series of descriptions that all seem to go along the lines of "I love this person to death. And if they were cool with it... afterwards too."

The point of it was (I think) that people should stop writing that kind of crap about their friends, because only the friends will think "aww... isn't that sickening.", and that everyone else who sees these lists just thinks "I don't know these people are... and I don't care either."

I nodded at my screen in agreement, then similar thoughts occured to me about how many people on the internet think that the stuff they post makes them unique somehow.

Before I start this rant, let me assure you, and your elbows, that I'm aware of the fact that this blog and everything on it isn't unique either.

Bitching about stuff has been around since forever, terrible attempts at drawing have been around since caveman times at least, and randomness has been around since some higher power decided to invent the horse. There's nothing here that hasn't been done a million times before, and done a lot better than this crap too.

Now that that's out of the way... Begin the ranting!


Pointless Heading

These sort of things are usually found on social networking sites, or anything else with a "profile" section on it somewhere. Anywhere that people have an opportunity to describe themselves really.

Back when I was roped into using that abominable pit of lies that is Bebo, I saw this kind of thing a lot. Here's some of the more common attempts at proving uniqueness that I noticed, which I will now pick to pieces.


"blah blah blah I'm crazy blah blah blah..."

Crazy huh?
So... you run around screaming occasionally?
Get completely shitfaced and sing at the top of your lungs til the contents of your stomach come flying out of your mouth like a mini tsunami?
Set things on fire?

Wow, you're right, you're a pretty crazy perso - NO. SHUT UP.
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. YOU ARE HUMAN.

Let me tell you something.

Crazy is one of the poor words who are victims of overuse, often in inappropriate situations. It sits in a hospital ward somewhere crying to itself, and regularly attends a support group with Fuck, Hate, and Love. It gives its sympathies to Shit, LOL, Cunt, and Epic, who were recently admitted to the hospital under similar circumstances.

In the same way that Hate is now used to express mild dislike, Crazy is more often than not used to describe the actions of people who are merely hyper, instead of the actions of people under the impression that having sex with a coffee grinder is a sane thing to do.

Everyone gets hyper sometimes. This doesn't mean you're crazy.


"blah blah blah I don't care what anyone else thinks of me blah blah blah..."

Bullshit you don't.

What you're actually trying to convey is closer to "I don't care if you don't like me and launch a barrage of verbal abuse at me because of this", because I'm pretty sure you'll lap up any compliments like a dehydrated dog who's found a giant bowl of water.

So who else ignores insults and accepts compliments? Thats right, people with brains.
I think there's still a few thousand of them left on this planet - OHHHH wait... you were trying to be unique weren't you?

Sorry to burst your bubble.


"blah blah blah be yourself/being myself blah blah blah..."

This is usually found pinned to the bottom of a teenage girl's bebo/facebook/myspace profile in a weak attempt to show that the person is in fact an individual, instead of a clone. It tries to combat the overwhelmingly familiar contents of the rest of the profile page, which can be seen in an additional 12 or more different colour schemes if you check the "friends list".

It's like going to a bar, drinking til you can't see past your nose, then stubbornly claiming you're against the consumption of alcohol.

It's fun to laugh at these people.



Here's something for you to think about:

If the people I've mentioned above are what mainstream society is composed of, and "mainstream" basically means "the majority", what does that say about people in general?



- Squirrel245


"Lets go get some hookers and ICE C-C-CREAM!!!"

- Dr. Rockso the Rock 'n' Roll Clown

That's like, revolting.

Alright, I'm blogging from school, so I'm sure if this will work or not, but I had to blog before my disgust wore off.

At recess today, I went to Woolies to buy a drink. As I was heading for the checkouts I passed the section with the magazines in them. I picked up a Top Gear magazine, then my eyes drifted to the overly pink and gay looking magazine beside it: Girlfriend.

I'd like to share with you all some of the headings that were on the front cover. You have my word that they have not been changed at all. These are the headings exactly as I saw them:

"How to get the guy that will get you the grades"

"How to sound, like, smart"

"New flirting tips!"

"Miley: The $25 million girl"

For shame.

FOR. SHAME.

I can't remember any more of these gut-wrenching article names, and I'm honestly grateful for that. If it was possible to vomit out of your eyes, Woolies would have had one hell of a clean-up job to do.

- Squirrel245

"Sucky sucky, ten dorrah!"

- Cartman the Vietnamese Prostitute

Mewtilation

Just popping out of the Squirrel cave briefly to waste space on YouTube's servers.

Last night, at exactly... last night... pm... I finished a rough version of what will be the first scene in Pokémutilation. I figure posting it won't really spoil anything, and seeing as the total number of people who will see the finished product is probably a number that rhymes with "hero", I don't see the point of keeping anything secret.

So without much more ado, here's the first scene, with some words stuck on the end to make it into essentially another trailer.

SOME SHIT YOU SHOULD KNOW BEFORE WATCHING:

- The voices sound subdued because the voices in the actual scene are subdued
- Possibly homosexual British scientists are hard to voice act... but he dies, so no biggie.
- Turn your speakers up. This bitch is mostly quiet. The rest of it will be louder.

All voices by my mouth... and some audio editing software.






- Squirrel245


"Kids, I need to tell you something you might find shocking... I'm gay."

"...Again?"

- Ms. Garrison and Stan Marsh

Pokémutilation

I'm a fan of parodies.

One of the many breeds of parody that I've been lolling at for a while now is fan-dubbing, two examples of which are Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series, and Alternate Reality Dragonball Z. It was only a matter of time before I started thinking to myself:

"Me too."

BUT FIRST... a backstory.

When I was 15, one of my friends threw a 2 night party. It involved several TVs, limited floorspace, a table covered in computers, and various Xboxes doing the horizontal mosh-pit with one another.

On the first night, as our supplies of energy were depleting like the functionality of the kidneys of a 134 year old, we started to think "Movie, then bed."

"Which movie though?" we thought. Through some bizarre voting (which I suspect was rigged somehow), it was decided that the movie we'd pass out while pretending to watch would be Pokémon: Mewtwo Strikes Back.

To this day I still don't understand why they wanted to watch that movie. Maybe it was for nostalgia, or the "act half your age" mentality that all of us had back then, but for whatever reason the movie was downloaded and began playing on the very small screen, much to my confusion.

Now being the uncaring asshole that I am, I gave a running commentary throughout the movie, changing it from a kid-friendly romp through Japanese mind control techniques to a profane, overtly sexual abomination that completely destroyed the overall effect of the film.

Billions years have passed, and I've decided to actually dub the fucking movie as opposed to simply ruin it for the people I'm sitting with. That way, people will be able to pick:

"Do we want the real movie or do we want... that version?"



And to prove that I'm not just doing my usual "You know what would be cool? If I did this." thing and abandoning it days later, I made a teaser trailer as it were.

It'll only make sense to fans of the Legend of Zelda series, or people who've played enough of Ocarina of Time. But for those of you who don't understand it... Go and play it.

NOW.

That game is a masterpiece of yes and win.







- Squirrel245



"That's my bread and butter you're fucking with."

- Charles Ofdensen

Thortgy

Maybe its the several packets of sherbert that now reside in my stomach talking, but I've found myself drawn to that old question that you humans have been trying to answer since... ever. The one that, if asked constantly, can reduce any teacher to tears or cause them to snap and start gouging out your eyes with a ruler:


So I'm going to list the 5 questions that I'm trying to find answers for the most. The ones just won't shut up, and keep grabbing my attention like a 6-breasted Keira Knightley would.


1. Why is the word "fuckin" becoming the new word for "umm"?

2. Why do some people put body kits on cars gradually? Don't they realize that by driving around their partially pimped-ride with only 1 side skirt, 2 modified rims, and sub woofers the size of a rhino's ass, they're grabbing people's attention in the "look at that douchebag" sense?

3. Why do so many people take pride in having 10,752,534,958 myspace/bebo/facebook friends? It doesn't make them look popular... it makes them look like... friend-whores or something O_O

4. Why doesn't anyone have death metal as the "hold" music for their company's phone services?

5. Why do people think going to a party with a bunch of people you don't know, getting completely shit-faced, then waking up to find yourself in jail (or fertilized), makes for an awesome night?



I'll work them out someday, I'm sure.

If you haven't already hit the "back" button in your internet-look-at-window, here's a change of topic for you.

Recently one of my friends has taken an interest in that newfangled "Vlogging" thing. If you can't work out what vlogging is:

Vlogging = Video Blogging
You = Idiot

The concept of it is something that's intrigued me for several minutes. Don't worry, you don't have to call the national guard, I'm not going to start doing it, and here's why:

• The webcam that's buried away in some part of my house is of dubious quality at best
• It would be a waste of my voice
• Looking at my face has a similar effect to that Medusa chick from that ancient Greek legend. Although instead of turning to stone, you'll just spill your guts all over your keyboard, which will in turn electrocute and kill you, start a housefire that quickly becomes uncontrollable, setting neighbouring buildings on fire, spreading and spreading until "Global Warming" becomes the understatement of the decade.

But I did start thinking... What OTHER kinds of _log are there?

Plogging didn't sound to great, and Clogging sounded like something that would involve a lot of very cheesy pizza and several mind-bogglingly painful trips to the toilet, so that was out too.

Then it hit me. Twice.

FLOGGING

No, that doesn't involve me going into the street and beating the living shite out of people with a stick (I do that anyway), but instead:

Flogging = Flash Blogging


Now there's no way in hell that I'd Flog constantly. But the occasional sample of my nonsensical bullshit wrapped in a slightly more high-tech flashy coating would be an interesting thing to try, I'm sure.

Should I try it occasionally?


TELL MEH YER THOUGHTS!!!
And MAKE ME BROWNIES!!!



- Squirrel245



"Just a fucking joke,
No, its kinda not,
There's a little truth in
Every single shot."

- "Hatredy" by Dethklok

"What, what, WHAAAAT?!"

So last night... or... very very early this morning if you want to be all technical about it... I was busy interneting ('cause that's what all the cool kids do) when I saw a flash ad. I've never seen it since, and I never want to see it again, but for those of you who don't have spy cameras embedded in my eyes I'll repeat what was on it.

It was something along the lines of:

"All of your favourite movie characters...

Are about to be DESTROYED!

DISASTER MOVIE: Defiling cinemas on some date that Squirrel245 can't remember"



Seconds after my eyes were scarred with this disturbing forecast of things to come, I imitated this:

Various thoughts and questions started running through my mind like a jet powered elephant in heat.

Why does this movie exist?

Where do those retards keep getting money to pump this kinda shit out into cinemas?

Why do they think anyone WATCHES "movie" movies after seeing the abominations that they released after Scary Movie 4?!


I thought I'd already LOST all of my faith in mankind. But nope, I was wrong. There was something still in there it seems.

But as soon as I saw that ad, that last morsel of faith jumped out of me and ran off into the distance shouting back "This is revolution!!!".

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stuff cherry bombs into watermelons then catapult them at stuff.

Because that's how I'm choosing to express my hatred for this movie.



- Squirrel245



"Daddy, everyone at school keeps teasing me about being born prematurely."

"You weren't born prematurely, son. You just survived the abortion."

- Cyanide and Happiness

...Really?

Earlier tonight I was in a rather nostalgic mood for some odd reason, and decided to see if I could YouTube some of the shit that I watched back in the good old days when I was 3 and half feet tall and about six times more intelligent.

So I started thinking (ouch) about what to watch. I watched a couple of videos of Stickin' Around, some old old OLD Simpsons, and watched Vegeta turn Super Saiyan once or twice. Then I moved onto movies, watching various Disney clips and such (including, out of curiosity, some very strange anti-nazi propaganda films that Disney made during World War II).

Then I remembered a strange film that I'd seen long ago:

"Hey... what was that movie where like, all those mice moved to America to get away from cats but there were cats in America anyway? Hmm... And what the fuck was so special about that movie anywa-"

I eventually figured out the movie I was thinking of was An American Tale, and the reason why it had been stuck in the back of my mind in a box labelled "old shit worth keeping". It was because of a climactic scene involving what was essentially a mouse-made battle tank that resembled a rat which had grown up in the part of the sewer directly under the house of Satan.

For the 99.9999999999999% of you who have no idea what I'm rambling about, I'm referring to the Giant Mouse of Minsk. I remember (incredibly vaguely), the first time I watched that scene I thought something along the lines of:

"HOLY JESUS-GODDING FUCK BALLS YES!!!! BRING FORTH THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS YOUR DEATH!!!"

So I watched the pitiful snippet of that scene that YouTube had to offer, then read the comments section to see if anyone else remembered having a similar reaction. I was surprised to see that they basically said things along the lines of:

"That thing scared me shitless when I was a kid =("

After a brief search of the internet for a better clip of what I thought was an awesome scene, I found lots of comments made by people who also said that the Mouse of Minsk gave them nightmares when they were kidlets. It was then I started to think the question I'm about to put forth to anybody who reads this and can remember watching An American Tale as a kid:

Am I the only one who found the Mouse of Minsk purely awesome and not in the least bit scary when they saw this movie?



- Squirrel245



"What HAPPENED to you guys? Have you all forgotten how to play?"

"Hey man, we're rockin' harder than EVER!"

"Dude... You're sitting on the OUTSIDE of the drum kit."

"Oh!.. yeah, yep. Sorry. That's why it felt weird."

- Pickles the Drummer and the Snakes N Barrels Drummer

Not even drunk

I am, right now, this second, that I'm typing this, today, here, at this moment, in a very strange mood.

I don't actually have anything to blog about, but the mood has compelled me to put something up here anyway. And that something is as follows:

I am going to type out the lyrics to "Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle" by Dethklok. Twice.

The first one is by hand, no problem at all, just so you have a reference.

The second time though, I am going to type it out using the headstock of a guitar. I won't even attempt to use proper punctuation (that would be too much of a mindfuck), and I won't hit backspace either.

And here's the guitar I'm gonna use:



Now LET'S GET THIS SHIT ON!!!!



Hand:

Do you folks like coffee?
Real coffee, from the hills of Columbia?

Then Duncan Hills will wake you
From a thousand deaths
A cup of blackened blood
(Die! Die!)
You're dying for a cup.

Guatemalan Blend
Ethiopian
French Vanilla Roast
(Die! Die!)
You're dying for a cup.

Prepare for ultimate flavour...
You're gonna get some... NOW.
And scream, for your cream.

Duncan, Hills,
Duncan, Hills,
Duncan, Hills,
COFFEE!



Guitar (wish me luck):

do yoou folks like coffee
real coffee, from tthe hills ofr columbiaa
then duncan hillls will wke yo0uu
from a thyousaqand de3eaqthys
a ccup of blackenede blood
die die youre dying for a cup

guatemalan bl43end
ethiopian
frrencfh vanillqa roaqwst6
die die youre3 dying for aa cup

prepare for uulo5ti9mqate flavour
youre gonna get some now
ande scre3qam for your cream

duncaqqn hillws

dunhcaqn hills
edunjcqanj hills
cofffee




SWEET... MOTHER OF... ALL THAT IS AWESOME that was harder than I thought it would be.

But I did it regardless! VICTORY FOR ME!... sort of.

Oh and umm... saw this today too:


So uh... HAIL SATAN I guess.



- Squirrel245



"I don't play World of Warcraft"

"...Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time."

"Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure."

- Butters Stotch and Eric Cartman

noitulovE

Back when I was about 15 years old, I first heard that song "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls. I remember thinking to myself:

"Wow. This song sure is slutty." And my opinion never changed. No matter how many times I heard it, no matter how many times I started throwing things at the people who started playing it, I always thought that same thought.

3 years on, and I start seeing ads for someone who's released a song called "I Kissed A Girl (And I Liked It)". Again:

"Wow. This song sure is slutty. HOLY CRAP DE JA VU!"

After I finished running around waving my arms like that chick from Popeye in an earthquake (hey.. that's just how I react to De ja vu.), I realised that there was a trend here. And now I am 99% sure that as time goes by, songs get sluttier and sluttier. I wrote an equation for it too:

(.Y.) = T(C + 69)

(.Y.) = Boobs, here representing sluttiness
T = Time (in years) since the last widely acknowledged overly slutty song was released.
C = "Competitor's" sluttiness


After I punched myself for being such a nerd, I realized that slutty songs were just the tip of the ice...boob. I came to the conclusion that society as a whole was becoming gradually more and more sex-driven.

Now make no mistake, the idea of a society that's based on constant sexercising is not something I object to. Hell, I pray for the day! (although by the time society reaches that stage, I'll most likely be middle aged and impossibly lazy, or dead.)

But doesn't it seem like we're kind of... going backwards?

There's other signs too: people are becoming stupider, quite a few of them seem to be losing their ability to speak properly, Paris Hilton... you don't have to look far to see the evidence.

On the other, much more plausible hand, I'm an idiot.

But spare a moment to think about my rantings after you hear "My Vagina Is Too Empty (Please Help Me Fix This)" being played on the radio for the first time.



- Squirrel245



"There is nothing to fear but fear itself... AND VEGETA!"

- Vegeta (Alternate Reality Dragonball Z)

"I'm not fat, I'm just utilizing as much of my personal space as I can."

So as at least 3 of you MIGHT have noticed, this blog has suddenly started eating away at parts of your screen that you never knew existed.

FEAR NOT, it's not going to keep spreading to the point that it lunges out of the computer and starts tearing away savagely at your living flesh...yet.

No, all that's happened is its got itself a pay rise at the service station where it currently mops the floors, and as a result, is able to rent more screen space for itself.

Right now the greedy fucker's convinced me to draw a bigger picture for it, as it feels that the old one is too small. I agreed, on the condition that I was presented with some Red Bull. My demands were met. I'll start on it soon.

On a side note, those of you who have somehow managed to read some of the older posts will soon (if you haven't already) realize that the oh-so-clever (not) last entry of 28 Items Later no longer looks even remotely like an actual post. It's now more obvious than ever that it is in fact, just a picture.

Don't worry though, I've come up with a solution:




Step 1:
DEAL WITH IT.


In other news, I'm still trying to work out how to mug people over the internet. But for now, leave a cheque for $78 trillion or I'll DRAG YOU INTO THIS ALLEY AND KNIFE YOU!

...Oh use your imaginations.



- Squirrel245



"Oh well check this out! I can force all the bloods to my face and give myself a real cool blowjob! Hnnnrrrgh... See?"
"Pfft. He is means "nosebleed", not "blowjob". Idiot..."

- Toki Wartooth and Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Failure close to home

Hey everyone, Fredge here.

Just posting an emergency seal of Afail after hearing about something that Squirrel245 has brought to my attention...



For having what may be the world's most buggy, uncooperative, and misleading text formatting tools in the history of blogging...

ATTENTION BLOGGER'S "CREATE" AND "EDIT POSTS" PAGES!

I'm off for now. I'll come back when I have some more fail to report on.



- Fredge

A friendly and supportive online community... *snicker*

Billions of years ago, in the year 2004, I was an idiotic and naive 14 year old who decided to subscribe to Xbox Live.

4 years later, and I'm an idiotic 18 year old who can safely say he's seen the best and the worst of what the screaming, beer fueled online community of Xbox Live has to offer.


AND SO...


For your reading "pleasure", I present a selection of some of the more interesting things that have been screamed into a microphone. All of these were heard during games I've been placed into like an enraged baboon who's been put into an arena with several other similarly pissed off animals.

Most of them were directed at other randoms who had been put into the game like I had. For the few that were directed at yours truly, I've provided my retaliatory shouting in red. I felt obliged to reply... I mean, it's an Xbox Live custom, and as the old saying goes:

"When in Rome, shout at any Romans who shout at you"




Heard randomly (I don't know who these were aimed at or why)


"AAAARRRRRRGGHHHH!!!! YOU FUCKING... MOTHER F- I'LL FUCK YOU WITH MY ASS!"

"Oh my god you're a GIRL? Wow, cool! You want me to help you unlock some achievements, baby?"

"I'm going to banish you to Hyper Twat!" (?)

(shrill voiced 12 year old by the sound of it)
"STOP USING THE FUCKING SNIPER RIFLE!!! ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR! FUCKING... FUCK YOU!!!" (at this point he actually started sobbing into his microphone)

"GET OUT OF MY CHURCH!"

"You don't exist because I don't believe in you." (this person was shot seconds later by the person he claimed didn't exist)

"I got it all over my cat. My mum was mad as hell when she found out." (I muted this person after hearing that)

"Yeah well your mum had gay sex with your dad!"



Conversations (by which I mean I heard the reply or I replied to them myself)


"I'LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND BURN DOWN YOUR MUM!"
"Okay."

(after a particularly violent kill)
"OH YEAH! That's right! I just WHIPPED your ass! You like getting your ass whipped?"
"...Yeah..."
"...Let's go to private chat."

(some 12 year old kid after taking me by surprise, killing me, and proceeding to crouch repeatedly on my corpse's face)
"Ohhhhhh yeah! That's right! You like my nuts in your face, huh?"
"At least my nuts have dropped, bitch."
(some random)
"Wow. You just got SHUT DOWN, kid"

"Can I your penis?"
"What?"
"Huh?"
"What did you say?"
"I say can I your penis?"
"...what?"
etc.

"I love this car. Its so much better than everyone else's."
"I'll park that car up your ass if you don't shut up about it."

"Come here and suck my knees."
(runs over to me) "Did he just say "suck my knees"?"
"Pretty sure he did."
(running away) "...Yes please."

"You're such a little pussy... I'm gonna find you and fuck your wife."
"...SIMON?!"
"...DAD?!"

"I bet you masturbate while looking at naked chicks... Don't deny it you sick fuck... I know your secret now."
"Umm... yeah?"
"HAHAHAHA HE ADMITS IT! Awww dude that's fucked up! Who the fuck does that?"




So you see, over the past 4 years I've got a lot more entertainment than I thought I was paying for when I first signed up. I'm sure this unintentional entertainment will continue, possibly resulting in me dying from blood loss once I pull my own lungs out following a mental breakdown brought on by listening to this kind of banter.

Well, that's all for now. Maybe I'll come back and write something half-decent once I've sobered up.



-Squirrel245



"Between the veltet lies, there's a truth that's hard as steel."

- "Holy Diver" by Ronnie James Dio

Further destruction of your collective childhoods.

Once again, I'm sorry, but I had to do it :P




- Squirrel245



"We could kill Butters, and FLOAT the calves on a river of blood!"

- Eric Cartman

Pfft. So immature.

Say that all you want. But there comes a time in every boy's life, as he's growing up, where he starts to look at things in a dirty context for his own amusement.

For me that time was like... 7 years old. But I haven't stopped doing it yet.

ENNIEWAYZ

Today while serving some real life custombies (sigh), a song was played over the in-store radio that I hadn't heard for quite a while. It was "A Whole New World", that song from Aladdin.

Dirty Context for Amusement + Aladdin = MIND DEATH.

And so, for a lack of any more mental garbage to fire at you with my idiocy-catapult, I present to you one of the things I came up with.

Don't sue me, Disney, I don't claim to own Aladdin in any way shape, or form (I don't even own the DVD).







-Squirrel245



"Why is it so easy for children to break into the Pentagon?"

- Some General on South Park

"10 Things That Fail About You"

Hello there, bored and/or lost blog reader!

Its me, Fredge. I'm here to give the first report on 10 things that fail, and to pass on a message from Squirrel245:

"I hope no-one died from boredom after reading about supermarkets for a whole week"

Anyway, 10 things I've noticed that fail (well... fail and stand out) in no particular order:


1. Based on several real life encounters

Elderly driver: "Uhh... okay... I'm driving an automo...car... ehhh.... I'll follow that white line... Oh look, the light has turned red, isn't that pretty... what's this "gear stick" do? How fast am I going... GOOD GRACIOUS ME! 40kph?! Better slow down..."

ATTENTION ELDERLY DRIVER!

2. For lazily classifying every album in the store that has a distorted guitar in it as "Hard Rock"...

ATTENTION SANITY MUSIC STORE!

3. Note: As of the time of this post, I haven't actually watched the show. But a crappy looking spin off of a genuinely crappy show...

ATTENTION 'MARK LOVES SHARON'!

4. For having that FUCKING ANNOYING AD in MSN windows that involve a maze which is programmed to be impossible...

ATTENTION SEEK.COM!

5. For being an appalling addition to the Super Smash Bros series... Stupid little astronaut shit head thing and your army of...

...

Plants...

ATTENTION OLIMAR!

6. I just hate them. They all look the same to me.

ATTENTION CHICK FLICKS!

7. For somehow thinking that calling a movie "The Happening" was a good idea,

ATTENTION M. KNIGHT SHYAMALAN!

8. For thinking that adding a track of someone rapping over the top of an otherwise decent piece of music makes it 10 times more awesome...

ATTENTION MAINSTREAM SOCIETY!

9. For everything she ever did and ever will do, ever...

ATTENTION PARIS HILTON!

10. And finally, for walking around everywhere with your phones spouting shitty excuses for music, for thinking "cunt" is a colloquialism for "dude", "mate", or "friend", and for all having the same stupid rats tail... hair-gel explosion... dyed... thing... hairstyle,

ATTENTION FRESHIES!

Thats all for now. I'll report back when I've decided on more things that fail hard enough to get my stamp of afail.



- Fredge

28 Items Later - Day 7

28 Items Later - Day 6

You can't trust anyone these days...

I woke up this morning to find that everyone besides Mike had run off during the night. There was a small pile of resignation letters on the desk.

We had no choice. We had to get out there.

You see, in their hurry to leave, those traitorous assholes left the entrance to the store wide open. The shop was already full of custombies... Mike convinced me to let him come help man the defense posts/registers. He may only have on working arm, but 3 arms are better than 2, right?

I'll never forgive myself for letting him do that.

He managed to serve 8 custombies before they started to realize that he was weak. Defenseless. Before they could overrun him though, Mike did something reckless. He slammed a "closed" sign across his defense, concussing one of the custombies and preventing any more from coming through that way. He leapt over the bench, grabbed a long line of trolleys, and yelled for me to help.

I assured the custombie I was serving that I would return shortly (for fear of getting fired), then ran to him. Together, we pushed the trolley line back to the hallway that leads to the staff room. We managed to create a barricade by jamming the trolleys up against the staff room entrance, me pulling from one side, and Mike using his greater body weight to push from the other side.

But by the time it was in place, custombies had crowded around Mike. I was unable to help, as I was still stuck behind the trolleys. He yelled to me, "Stay here! I'll go get help!", then charged through the custombies like a steroid-taking footballer with rhinocerous ancestry. The custombies followed him away, leaving me behind the barricade.

That was this morning.

Now, its 11:46pm. He hasn't come back yet...

- Steven Gints

28 Items Later - Day 5

Today, the supervisors crossed the line.

There we were, serving the endless hoards of custombies again, when it started to get busy. We expected to hear an "Express Alert", but it never came. We worked harder, trying to keep up with the custombies' rising numbers. But today was the day the custombies brought out a new weapon...

It seems that during the night, a custombie broke into the store and placed a sign near the 30-can boxes of soft drink. The sign read "2 for $1". This had a terrible effect on us. Every custombie in sight was carrying 2 or more of those boxes. Serving them was a nightmare... Not only would they complain about prices and have their offspring shout at us til our eardrums burst, but they also made us physically scan every single one of those boxes.

And 30 cans of soft drink equates to quite a heavy box. We tried to tell the custombies that we could "scan" them with the computers at the registers/defense posts, but as we all know... custombies ain't that bright. Even if they were smart enough to breathe and walk at the same time, I doubt they'd refrain from handing us those heavy boxes to scan.

Within minutes we were completely drained. We lost 6 people today...

The few of us that survived got back to the staffroom, arms practically broken, mad as all hell at the supervisors that had decided not to give us the backup we needed... When we made a horrible discovery.

The managers office had been locked, and noone was answering our cries of anger. Eventually we broke the door down, and found the room was empty. A hole had been dug in the ground, just large enough for a person to fit into.

Pete investigated for us. He dropped into the hole, and called back to us that it was a tunnel. A tunnel that went for roughly 500 metres, then came back up through the ground. He could see the light of day at the very end. He hurried towards it, urging us to follow. That tunnel had good acoustics, lemme tell you. We could hear everything he said, crystal clear.

Suddenly though, we heard the faint voice of the manager:

"Sorry Pete, but we can't leave this open. They might follow us."

There was the sound of a massive explosion and the tunnel collapsed, burying Pete alive somewhere near the end of it.

If I live through this, I'm going to find those bastards and avenge his death.


- Steven Gints