Computer Animals

Greeting, ye who stare at a monitor to the extent that they start to feel uncomfortable.

I've come to the internet today to bitch about computers.

BUT FIRST... some history. Gather round the flames of this brown paper bag full of something that doesn't smell quite right... and prepare to learnify.



Many moons ago, before Earth had finally made up its mind about what kind of moon it actually wanted, there lived a man named Gill Bates. One day, Gill Bates was sitting on a rock, throwing stones at passing black bears when he thought to himself:

"I should totally make like, a magic box. That'd be killer."

And so, after finding an empty box and buying a magic wand, he Voodoo-priested the shit out of said box until it started to hum, whirr, and beep. Satisfied, he went to sleep.

The next day however, he thought to himself:

"I should totally like, plug a TV into this thing. That'd be killer."

And so, after raiding a shopping centre, he got a TV and plugged it into his magic box. His eyes lit up when he saw what a masterpiece this wonderful unity of magic and... television was. The colours! The changing of the colours! The reverting of the colours back to their original colours!

But then he noticed something. While the TV was working just fine, the magic box wouldn't do anything. Using his incredible mindbrain, a lid from a jar of jam which clicked when pressed, and several kilograms of marijuana, Gill Bates created the first ever computer mouse. Later that night he got drunk, invented the alphabet, then put each individual letter on a separate button and nailed the buttons to a plank of wood. Thus, the first keyboard was created.

So he finally had tools with which he could control his invention, which he called a computer. Computer, in his native language, meant "trippy humming box". Unfortunately, the computer wouldn't do anything Gill Bates asked it to do. In fact it didn't do anything. But he was too tired to think of a way to fix it, so he went to sleep again.

The next day, he thought to himself:

"I should totally like, put a hamster and a spinning wheel in this "computer". That'd be killer."

And killer it was. Once the hamster started spinning on its little wheel, the computer started to do things.

Over the next several million years, Gill Bates' invention took the universe by storm. Soon, everyone had their own magic box with a spinning wheel in it, which was operated by some variety of animal.

FAST FORWARD ►►


...


PLAY ►

Present day. Computers still everywhere, still with various animals running on wheels.

Some people have hamsters in their computers. Some have dogs. Some have cats. There's a strange old man up the road who uses a fish somehow. The high end computers have cheetahs in them. The military-grade hyper computers of death have wheels that can spin by themselves.

MINE however, is very slow.

Fearing the kind of angry voodoo magic I may unleash if I actually open my computer, I'm not going to verify this theory. But I wouldn't be surprised if the animal inside my computer was...


A snail.
Which is dead,
encased in concrete,
and stuck in bullet time.

And to make things even harder for my snail to do its job, the wheel is probably square shaped, covered in anti-snail spikes, and drenched in superglue.

That gives you an idea of how mind bogglingly slow my magic box is. Between the time I hit the on switch and the time I log in, I receive an average of 3 birthday cakes, all with different numbers of candles on them.

In closing:

Dear computer,

SPEED THE FUCK UP!



Squirrel245



"What the fuck does WTF mean?"

- Some fool on the internet